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Hillary Clinton Enslaves Helpless Pokémon In Desperate Attempt To Seize Presidency

Image: Getty / Gizmodo
Image: Getty / Gizmodo

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have finally broken their silence on Pokémon Go. Their statements today are about what you’d expect.


A new page on the Clinton campaign website directs Ohio voters to meet up this Saturday at the “Madison Park Pokestop & PokeGYM” to “put up a lure module, get free pokemon, & battle each other while you register voters and learn more about Sec. Hillary Clinton!!!” Three exclamation marks!!! You can sense her forced excitement in the way she’s talking about the game itself. Then, the former First Lady apparently said this:


It’s worth noting that players cannot actually battle one another per se, and while the Ingress map shows two potential in-game locations in Madison Park, Gizmodo has yet to confirm if either is in fact a gym.

Trump meanwhile has told the Washington Examiner that he doesn’t have time for Pokémon Go. “I wish I had time,” he told the paper. It’s unclear whether Hillary Clinton plays the game. It’s also unclear whether anyone will care in a week’s time.

Update July 14, 5:02pm: Trump’s official Facebook page posted a video approximately 20 minutes ago which is an apparent parody of the game called Crooked Hillary No. Get it? Because he calls her that thing and “no” rhymes with oh dear god this is exhausting already.

A trainer captures the Democratic hopeful, who of course has a Combat Power of 1, and her type as “Career Politician” (apparently a bad thing), her next evolution as “Unemployed,” and an entirely new state of “Leaked emails” at 30,000. While that’s an exceptionally high number for any monster stat it’s unclear what effect, if any, it has during actual battle.

[The Hill and Washington Examiner]


Senior reporter. Tech + labor /// Keybase: Securedrop: http://gmg7jl25ony5g7ws.onion/

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Here’s the statement I’d respect: “I don’t know what Pokemon Go is, nor do I care, but a young person in my communications dept. suggested I say something “hip” about it to get young people to vote for me.”