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How Did Mark Zuckerberg Kill the Goat?

Illustration for article titled How Did Mark Zuckerberg Kill the Goat?
Image: AP/Lucasfilm Ltd/AP

We have a lot of questions about Facebook’s CEO, some of which we’ve posed on this very website. But a new interview with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey has introduced one mystery we absolutely must unravel: Did Mark Zuckerberg shoot a goat to death with lasers?

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Speaking to Rolling Stone, Dorsey was asked about his “most memorable encounter” with Zuckerberg. He then recounted a strange anecdote about the world’s fifth richest man killing a goat with a “laser gun.” From Rolling Stone:

[Dorsey:] Well, there was a year when he was only eating what he was killing. He made goat for me for dinner. He killed the goat.

[Rolling Stone:] In front of you?

[Dorsey:] No. He killed it before. I guess he kills it. He kills it with a laser gun and then the knife. Then they send it to the butcher.

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When pressed, Dorsey seemed less certain, saying, “I don’t know. A stun gun. They stun it, and then he knifed it. Then they send it to a butcher.”

As you may recall, Zuckerberg did indeed pursue a personal challenge in 2011 where he only ate the meat of animals he personally killed. “I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals,” he told Fortune at the time. “It’s easy to take the food we eat for granted when we can eat good things every day.”

Okay, sounds normal, but were you blasting these things with a space bazooka, my guy? Dorsey’s comment raises a few interesting possibilities:

1. Dorsey simply misspoke with his initial description, and Zuckerberg indeed used some kind electric shock device to stun the goat before bleeding it. Electric stunners are sometimes used to render smaller animals unconscious before slaughter, and often have a wand-type design. Personal electroshock weapons, such as Tasers, would likely be inadequate and inhumane for this purpose.

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2. Dorsey was mistaken twice, and what he described as “a stun gun” was, in fact, a captive bolt pistol Zuckerberg used to kill the goat. These devices stun animals by shooting a retractible rod into their skulls and entered popular culture as the weapon of choice of Anton Chigurh, the antagonist of Cormac McCarthy’s No Country for Old Men and the film adaptation of the same name.

3. Dorsey accidentally told the truth the first time, and Mark Zuckerberg really does have some kind of secret Terminator gun he used to zap that poor goat to the big garbage dump in the sky. Realizing his error, Dorsey then made up the whole “stun gun” thing.

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So which is it? We have out own suspicions, but only the heads of the world’s most exhausting social networks may know for sure.

We have reached out to both Facebook and Jack Dorsey for comment and will update this story if and when they reply.

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If you know anything about Mark Zuckerberg’s “laser gun” or have your own theories about the nature of the device, please email us at knifedog@gizmodo.com.

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DISCUSSION

Brutalitarian
Brutalitarian

Ok, I‘m probably on the edge of the bell curve here but I don’t think this is a bad thing that Zuk’s doing. In fact if you eat meat I kinda think you should, at least once, be involved in the raising of and slaughtering of an animal. One of the reasons we treat animals raised for food so badly is because we don’t see meat as an animal, we see it as something in wrapped in plastic in a fridge. I think if people were more connected to where meat comes from and that it requires an animal to die 2 things would happen. The first being there’d be a damn slight more vegetarians and vegans, the second is there’d be a lot more interest in the quality of life the animal experienced before slaughter and even then they’d probably cut down on the amount they ate.

Now I say all of this as a meat eater. I was raised in the country so there was never that disconnect for me. I hunted, shot rabbits, pigeon and even the odd pheasant when a farmer friend had an order to fill and needed a hand. We raised chickens and Ive even wrung a neck or two when a hen got too old to lay eggs. None of it was easy, especially the chicken. Feeling an animal die in your hands because you’ve killed it is not the most pleasant experience. Still it was part of the deal of eating meat and it made you respect the animal more.

At least thats what I thought until I was crew on a tv show that filmed in an abattoir. Turns out 18 years of city life and I forgot, let price dictate what I bought, didnt care about welfare. It didn’t even cross my mind. As a result, that afternoons filming was really difficult, not physically but mentally. It made me reevaluate my choices.

I still east meat, still spend just as much money on it, I just put that money into 1 maybe 2 quality pieces a week. I care about how I source it. Now I’m more conscious of what it cost for me to have a steak, or a lamb chop, or roast chicken and that cant be a bad thing.