I hear you’re releasing The Lion King in 3D. First you shit out two horrible sequels and now this? Are you trying to ruin my childhood?
This is about hooking ‘em young, right? You’re throwing in a pair of free Simba-inspired 3D glasses to draw our wide-eyed youth into the newest film fad. Sure, Avatar proved that 3D movies—if done right—can be awesome. But Lion King 3D will not be awesome. Nobody needs to see Mufasa’s tragic death from three dimensions. It won’t make it anymore painful than it was in two. It might even make it silly.
That’s because Lion King’s creators made something moving and iconic in the first place. Adding bells and whistles to their work won’t automatically enhance its artistry. In fact, it’s somewhat akin to brightening the colors on a Da Vinci just to make it pop a little. After all, they’re fucking cartoons! Their two-dimensionalness is charming! If we wanted to watch realistic lions and monkeys battle it out to the death, we’d rent Planet Earth. Or we’d go see some talented people on Broadway.
But this isn’t just about you jumping on the 3D bandwagon just for the hell of it. This is also about exploiting my precious childhood memories for profit. Every time you release a faux-movie that reinvents the Simbas and Aladdins from your classics, the eight-year-old in me dies a little bit more. My generation is broke and pessimistic about the future. All of our TV shows and movies are about drug rings or confusing relationships. The Disney Vault of classics is one of the last places we can go for a brief, happy-go-lucky viewing experience. But it’s just not the same when I know some two-bit peons revamped it in 3D and threw in some promotional prop just to make a couple bucks off some kids that don’t know any better. It takes away the authenticity of the experience and reminds me that this was not just a fun Disney flick made for my viewing pleasure as a kid. It is a money-making vehicle for the man.
So, well, fuck the man. The man has taken a big giant dump in the Vault. And it’s called 3D. Hakuna matata will never sound the same to me again. [RealD]