The Many Advantages of a $400,000 Cellphone-Equipped Gold Coffin

Illustration for article titled The Many Advantages of a $400,000 Cellphone-Equipped Gold Coffin

At first blush, you might look at this $381,000 gold coffin that comes with a cellphone and think: what a hopelessly tacky waste of money. You'd be so wrong. Here's just a few benefits:

• Get back at ne'er-do-well next of kin by blowing $381,000 of their inheritance money on a coffin.
• Make outgoing calls in case of accidental burial (hope it's Verizon).
• Gold gives your pallbearers a much better workout than mahogany, or a pile of ashes.
• GPS-equipped phone makes tracking down grave robbers a cinch.
• Be the envy of your fellow undead during the inevitable zombie uprising.

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See? Now don't everyone rush out to get one. I'm sure there are plenty enough to go around. [France24 via Born Rich]

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DISCUSSION

You can't take it with you. When are they going to learn...

"According to Buried Alive, Angelo Hays, a Frenchman, in the 1970s, wanted comfort. He invented a security coffin that cost as much as a car. It had thick upholstering and a soft pillow, was deep enough for the undead to sit up and read some of the books it held and raid its food locker. It had an oxygen supply, a toilet, a shortwave radio transmitter and receiver with an aerial that protruded into the cemetery.

Hays undertook his venture after actually having recovered from being buried while in a coma. His body was exhumed two days later due to an insurance investigation and found to be still warm, according to Bondeson.

Dossey notes that between 1868 and 1925, Americans applied for 22 patents for "life-signaling" coffins. Innovations included ladders, feeding tubes, windows and more.

In 1983 the U.S. Patent Office issued a patent for a coffin electronic alarm system triggered by body movement. In Italy, one system incorporated a beeper and intercom.

And now, reports flow in from around the world of people who are buried with their cell phones just in case they wake up and need to be rescued.

Despite all this new technology, Dossey notes that there is no historical record of the successful use of an escape coffin.

Undeterred, Arizona multimillionaire John Dackeney, who died in 1969, was buried in a huge security vault he had built for himself, according to Bondeson. It contained an alarm and steel doors that opened for three hours every night for the first 12 weeks after he died.

Hundreds of people visited the site to see if he – or, presumably, a vampire or zombie — would wander out.

But he, like Pursell and the others, has not been seen since."

[www.obit-mag.com]

Franco, on the other hand, is still dead.