It turns out the wet t-shirt-wearing girls riding those mechanical bulls at the local bar were actually exercising. No lie, as you can see with this Five Axis Core Muscle Trainer, ripped from the everlasting kitsch-ridden pages of Hammacher Schlemmer. The saddle tilts left and right, up and down, and throws in a few twists for good measure. All the while the motions target your "core muscles," which are worked as your body attempts to regain equilibrium. The whole idea of a rocking, jocking mechanical exercise bull for the home actually sounds kind of exciting, until you realize this piece of equipment was designed with the senior bull rider in mind. And yes, those are stirrups.
The core muscle trainer is designed for low impact exercises, but does include "moderate" and "advanced" programs for when you want to hold onto the handle for dear life. The nine speeds (think Sybian) and seven programs are controlled via an LCD screen on the pommels. Just plop down $1,800, and this bucking grandma machine is yours, today! P.S. — This thing is out there, but it's still infinitely less sad than what Jesus dug up in May. [Hammacher Schlemmer]