The sad thing is, if Apple did release the iPhone 3GI and claim only the truly worthy could see it, I'm sure it would go down exactly like The Onion says it would.

"Oh my God, I can't believe how much faster you can get online with this," said Delaney, who exited the store holding a cupped hand up to her ear and yelling into her wrist about how wonderful the new phone was. "The reception is so clear, and you can pretty much get a signal no matter where you go."

"Hold on a sec," continued Delaney, suddenly shaking her hand up and down. "I think my battery is dying."

Like I said, exactly. [The Onion]