Seems like everyone is up President Obama's ass for something these days. Too much war. Not enough war. Too much spending. Not enough spending. This guy can't win. His rapidly graying hair is proof of that.
But if El Presidente had a few tools at his disposal, his job might be a lot easier. Here are seven that could help him get the job done faster, better, and with a little less stress.
Obama catches plenty of flak from the public for his cigarette habit. Maybe instead, he should just go with an eCigarette, which gets that foul, carcinogenic tobacco out of the way and delivers a quasi-satisfying, metered hit of nicotine instead. $130
Half the time, Obama's biggest problem has nothing to do with himself. It's Joe Biden and his chronic inability act in a dignified manner. Keep Biden permanently gagged and the job becomes instantly easier. Sure, it may send out some weird S&M vibes, but it's better than the media overhearing Biden discussing weird S&M vibes with Silvio Berlusconi. $33
America loves photos of presidential candidates eating giant corn dogs. If Obama kept a deep fryer in his arsenal at all times, he could generate a blast of photo op positivity at will. Take THAT, Republicans. $35
America is quickly losing economic ground to China, which could potentially become the world's top economy by 2020. Obama should consult the Rosetta Stone to learn the soon-to-be new language of money. That way, when it's time to beg for a loan, he can do so sans translator. (In actuality, we're Muzzy enthusiasts, but that might do too much damage to the President's gravitas. It's a serious job!) $500
Often referred to as the mythical American Express Black card, the Centurion card has no set spending limit. Now that the Republicans are giving Barry all sorts of grief about the debt ceiling, he can just offload any expenses onto this bad boy and worry about it later. Oh wait, America's downgraded credit rating might make this plan more difficult than expected. AAA Credit Rating
In the midst of a declining global economy, we found out that the U.S. Government has less cash than Apple. That's embarrassing. What if Obama dumped the Treasury's entire cash reserves into Mt.Gox, the Bitcoin trading site? Sure, Bitcoin may be on the decline, but there's always the offhand chance that Bitcoin will shoot back up to its peak trading price in the $30 range and return America to its past economic glory, right? 73.8 Billion
Worst case scenario. Last resort. Hail mary. Shot in the dark. Why the fuck not. Just hit the Easy Button and be done with it. $6