Smokin' hot driver aside—you ain't got the scratch for a plane, or even your own ride, so you're still stuck in this festering aluminum shoe box known as a Greyhound bus for the next 16 God-forsaken hours.
And if the stench doesn't get to you, the other passengers just might. So before you get cornered by a senile octogenarian with a wallet full of pictures of her
dogs children, or some dude with an odd tick talks your ear off about 7 Minute Abs, establish your dominance within the bus hierarchy by out-crazing everybody around you. Here's what you'll need to get to Yuma with at least some of your sanity intact.
Want to get to the front of the check-in line double time? Pack your gear in an Army Surplus Duffle bag. Just be sure to grunt whenever you set it down and casually mention how surprisingly heavy human heads are. $11
Headphones are essential on long trips. Not the media player, just the headphones. Be sure to comment loudly and frequently as to what great reception they have. $200
See hairstyle above. Imitate. Win. Bonus points for keeping the asparagus in your teeth all 16 hours. Double bonus points if you introduce yourself as Cthulhu. $24 - 1.5oz jar
The old trick of painting eyes on your lids too look like you're paying attention in class is surprisingly effective on the bus as well. Just make sure to mutter, "They won't get me if I'm awake, they won't get me if I'm awake, they won't get me if I'm awake" while you apply them. $45
What fun can't you have with a bottle of your own urine? $7
After finishing your nap, run the center aisle while screaming, "Oh my God, it's on my back! Get it off, get it off, oh God someone get a knife!" $20
HOW THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE YOURSELF HOSTAGE?!?!
Though, seriously, if you've got to take yourself hostage just for some peace and quiet, see if they'll let you ride on the roof. $400