Apparently, Hollywood just made the kooky decision to cast Ashton "One Third of Two and a Half Men or Just 5/6th of One Man" Kutcher as the lead in an upcoming Steve Jobs biopic. Yes, there is some resemblance between Ashton and young Steve Jobs. Yes, Ashton is a famous guy. But people, he's... Ashton Kutcher.

We can do better.

Let him do Punk'd. Let him replace mad man Charlie Sheen in an awful TV show that somehow stays on the air. Let him marry Demi Moore. Let him take awkward pictures with Bruce Willis. Let him even date Rihanna. Let him be Hollywoowoo and do all the things that Hollywood celebrities do. Just don't let him play Steve Jobs. Here's a list of actors—as in people who actually act—we'd rather see play Apple's dearly departed leader before Ashton the Kutch.

Stanley Tucci

You can totally see it.

Noah Wyle

Did it pretty good before. Did it pretty good for Steve Jobs at MacWorld. Pretty good for me.

Larry David

He could nail the older years of Jobs if he wanted to.

Patrick Stewart

Nerd crowd already loves him.

Christian Bale

Best actor in Hollywood, proficient at being an asshole and notoriously skilled at gaining and losing weight.

Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul

Because there's no such thing as too much Breaking Bad or Bryan Cranston. Paul could play young Jobs, Cranston can play old Jobs.

Keanu Reeves

Because he's Keanu and this would make him happy. Maybe.

Mark Strong

As you can tell, any bald, middle aged white man is better than Ashton. Even a bald, middle aged English chap.

Ralph Fiennes and/or Joseph Fiennes

Or these English chaps. Would prefer Ralph to Joseph but totally cool with either and/or both.


Pretty sure Apple could invent some SJX software for the movie.

Justin Long and/or John Hodgeman

It'd be good, I swear!


Because, really? Ashton Kutcher? Really?

Arnold Schwarzenegger and/or Tim Tebow

At least pick someone likable! Or even inspiring!

Justin Bieber

Or someone that'll make the movie ridiculously profitable.

Zooey Deschanel

Or just someone that's not Ashton Kutcher.