One morning, Zooey Deschanel, the actress, woke up. She had dreamt she was Empress Joséphine, but it was just a dream, like all other dreams. She was a little cranky. So she turned to her one true friend—Siri, QT!

It makes sense to pair the two. Both are inscrutable, work as if by magic, always there when you need them, and the result of several ruthlessly enforced patents and years of R&D.


Zooey mooed and mooed. Zooey mooey!

Zooey doesn't know she's in an Apple commercial—she thinks the camera crew is just a group of new friends. Welcome, new friends! Rabrabhrabrahbrahrab.

Siri, where did I put my birth control sprinkles?

Is that a ghost??? Come in, ghost. As long as you're a friendly ghost. No spookers allowed in Zooey HQ!

Wait where am I.

Darn. Can't play with the ants today. Siri, is it normal to fantasize about joining the Taliban? Siri? Siri?

Is my whole life a GIF? Ugh, Siri, remind me to have another bowl of Kix and ecstasy.

Siri tell me everything you know about the JFK assassination. Tomorrow!

Ah FUCK, Siri, I left my banjo out, again. It was a gift from a peanut with googly eyes on it! Fuck! Fuck this!

Doo da loo deet doo Zooey dance.

And then Apple paid her hundreds of thousands of dollars.