It finally happened. After 27 years, millions of dollars and a few lucrative book deals between them, Bill and Melinda Gates finalized their divorce on Monday, marking the end of one of the most wholesome power couples of our time—or at least, formerly wholesome. Ever since the two announced their impending split last May, some pretty... icky stories about Bill started to bubble up, including details on his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein and track record of questionable behavior with women under his employ. Even the New York Post jumped in the fray (multiple times)! Needless to say, if this guy’s going to get back into the dating scene, he’s going to need a serious image upgrade. Luckily, I’m here to help.
I’m not a professional dating coach by any means, but I am a professional at setting up my straight dude friends with my straight lady friends. In the old country, I’d probably be known as a shadchanit, which loosely translates to “someone who will edit your Tinder bio in exchange for a loose cigarette.”
He can probably afford cigs in spades, but I decided (in the spirit of philanthropy) to offer Bill some freebies to throw on the dating app profile he most definitely has. Girls, he’s available.