Animals are just like us—deep down, they all want to do crimes and fight against structural oppression. And this week a lot of animals seem to be acting on their darkest impulses. While everything may not be working out for the animals, they are certainly accomplishing the crimes.
We’re not sure why so many animals are doing crimes in recent days. Perhaps they were inspired by the cassowary bird that killed its owner, Florida man Marvin Hajos, earlier this month, then got off scot-free. In the New York Times’ coverage of the auction of Hajos’s wildlife estate, which includes the murderous bird, the newspaper noted it “was not clear why the bird that killed Mr. Hajos was not put down after the attack.”
Whatever the reason, the animals are ready to fuck shit up.
Take, for instance, this squirrel in Syracuse, New York, who was filmed assaulting a police officer. The squirrel fiercely clung to the officer’s leg, undeterred by the weapons on the belt a mere few inches from him.
The squirrel seems to have fled the scene, evading arrest. A parrot in Northen Brazil was not so fortunate. The bird was arrested on Monday because it reportedly almost spoiled a raid by yelling “Mamãe, polícia!” at its suspected drug-dealing owners when police arrived to arrest them.
Since its arrest, the bird has reportedly been tight-beaked, refusing to speak to authorities despite an effort to make it narc on its owners.
The bird will be imprisoned in a local zoo for three months, according to Brazilian outlet Globo. There it will be taught to fly. After it has been rehabilitated, it is expected to be released.
The animals aren’t just fighting the police. On Wednesday a Bengal tiger in Arizona mauled one of its captors—Jonathan Kraft, a former Las Vegas illusionist who now serves as executive director of Keepers of the Wild Nature Park. In the midst of a thunderstorm, Kraft tried to move some large cats to a safer location, according to a press release from the sanctuary. During that process, Bowie the tiger attacked Kraft, latching on to Kraft with only his teeth, as his claws were removed years ago.
Kraft suffered broken bones and several wounds. He will be recovering for several months.
A kangaroo that was living in captivity on a Central Texas ranch was more successful than Bowie in its escape effort. According to the Statesman newspaper, the 4-to-5-foot-tall marsupial busted out earlier this week. Hays County Constable Ray Helm told the news outlet he doesn’t plan on capturing the animal. “If you got ahold of him it’d be a trip to the ER, that I could promise,” Helm told the Statesmen. “Don’t stress him. He hasn’t broken any laws.”
He hasn’t broken any laws yet.
A turkey in Stillwater, Minnesota, almost certainly broke a law recently—breaking and entering. A homeowner came home to find her window completely shattered. Upon closer inspection, she found that the culprit was a maniac bird that smashed through the double panes, dying in the act.
Some unknown animal is also vandalizing property in the Bay Area. A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the Mercury News advice column asking about a recent spate of incidents. “After living here almost 40 years, we are suddenly seeing gopher or mole mounds popping up all over the seams of our front sidewalk and driveway,” the man wrote. “From time to time, we and some neighbors have seen this happen on our lawns, but this is the first time I have seen it in the concrete areas.” Criminal? Some might say. Mischievous? Absolutely.
What is driving these creatures to destroy public property with reckless abandon? What are they plotting in their tunnels beneath the pavement?
We should be vigilant. The animals have been waiting, watching—studying humanity and its systems of power. Now they’re finally ready to start fighting back.