Right around the time I first joined the cast of Under the Dome, I was smoking a bowl with the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. (They make a special kind of bong for alien mega-artifacts, which is part tesseract and part vape and part flying prehistoric bone. You can only really smoke one of those if you were…
The great colonnades of Rome have lasted for centuries, through political upheaval and some really questionable fashion choices. But for some of us, glory is more fleeting. CBS, because genius is never recognized in its time, has decided to pull the plug on my show, Under the Dome.
So people often ask me, “Dome, what do you STAND for?” Like, they want to know what my core principle is. What are the foundations on which this Dome rests? And after last night’s Under the Dome, I have an answer: I’m all about polygamy, apparently.
So I guess a new episode of Under the Dome aired last night. To be honest, I totally missed it. There was a snail-eating competition on the Gastropod Channel, and it was neck-and-neck for a long time, so I got fascinated. But I gather some stuff happened.
I’m a sad Dome here. I’ve spent the past few years waiting for everyone to realize how awesome I was, because all along it was clear that eventually something terrible would happen, and I would get to do what Domes do best. And then it finally did, and... sigh.
Hey, it’s me. The Dome. Sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been kind of busy. You know how it is. They wanted to bring me to San Diego Comic-Con and put all of Hall H under me, as a publicity stunt. But then people got all squirrely about my plan to put J.J. Abrams in a cocoon. What? It would have been fun.
Don’t laugh, it’s true. When I was first asked to star in Under the Dome, I misunderstood and thought it was going to be a bold reimagining of Prince’s underrated directorial debut. Just picture it: I’m a young vivacious dome, on the French Riviera, entertaining lonely married women, when... romance!
Seriously, screw all you guys. You can’t even appreciate how great my show is. I created a whole world of super-great storytelling and propane and butterflies, under me. And now, I don’t even care any more. You fuckers can just eat a magical alien egg.
Did you ever have an infestation you just can't get rid of? Bedbugs, maybe? Or ants? Pubic lice? You spray and you clean and you put down traps, but you just can't get rid of it. That's how I feel about the humans who have been living inside of me. They're annoying, but hard to get rid of.
The pivotal moment in last night's episode of Under the Dome comes halfway through, when Julia Shumway comes and prays to me, the Dome. She doesn't actually get on her knees, which displeases me. But she does beg for one last chance. And then... I look at her, and go "Nah."
What is Under The Dome, the TV show, about? I wonder this a lot. On the one hand, there's the ongoing political storyline about who's going to run the town of Chester's Mill. And then there's the mystical storyline involving dayglo eggs, resurrections, prophetic paintings, etc. Where do these storylines intersect?
You've heard a lot of people saying a lot of mean things about me lately. Like in last night's episode, that Sam guy said that I cause "nothing but pain." And Lyle accused me of being the prelude to the Rapture — when I don't even listen to Blondie. So I'm here to set the record straight.
I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before: I was there during the pitch meetings for Under The Dome. The suits had a lot of concerns about whether this show could last more than one season without running out of story. But I managed to convince them that I had what it takes to go the distance.
Because that never gets old. People love to see science and religion butt heads, it's the main thing science fiction is for. Right? Spoilers ahead...
Hey everybody, it's me. The Dome. Did you miss me? I've been having a lot of self-image problems lately. Like I keep thinking I'd look cooler if I were geodesic. More Buckminstery, you know. Why can't I have Pauly Shore under me? Anyway, this week I subjected Big Jim to A Christmas Carol, with magnets. It was cool.
Hi, everybody! It's me, the Dome. I hope you enjoyed the first season of my show. I felt like I was able to wrap myself around a lot of important themes, including fascism and propane and stuff. The season finale aired the other day, and I thought I should share my thoughts about it. Spoilers ahead!
