Sometimes in this world, you want to make someone as wildly uncomfortable as humanly possible. That’s why Facebook’s here.
It’s a fact many of us have been neglecting in recent months, what with our Twittter and our Instagrams and our Yik Yaks—we’ve been forgetting about the world of mischief potential within the walls of Zuck’s blue and white kingdom. But Facebook is a gift. A sentimental, Buzzfeed- and baby-filled, creepy goddamn gift. And it’s about time we started making use of it.
Now, some of you may be asking, why would you actively want to make someone uncomfortable? And the answer is: Because you’re not dead inside. It’s the same reason people jump out of planes and try meth—it’s invigorating and dangerous and a wildly dumb thing to do. But it makes you feel alive.
Let me help you help yourself put other people in emotional distress. You’ll be happy you did. (Maybe.)
While doing this at at 1 AM is preferable, really any time of day is ideal for posting a close-up shot of your dumb, unblinking mug to a coworker’s wall (see above). I chose Gizmodo’s Darren Orf.
After the first occasion, Darren was so uncomfortable he chose to ignore the situation altogether and said nothing about my virtual gift to him for several weeks. I was eventually forced to confront him about it. He responded by casting his eyes downward and saying, “Um... yeah. I saw that.” Success!
Facebook is a goldmine of intimate couple’s portraits, both wedding, engagement, or otherwise. And they all get a ton of likes. Maybe you haven’t received a notification in a while, or maybe you just want to feel like a part of something. Either way, I recommend tagging yourself in another couple’s professionally-shot portrait.
I went to college with Brianna and Max, so I was sure to get lots of notifications as our mutual friends liked their public testament to (what I had forced into becoming) our everlasting love. And I did! That’s me. In the middle.
When you first friend someone on Facebook, what do you do? You go back and look through every photo they’ve ever been tagged in starting in reverse chronological order of course. But sometimes, your finger slips ever-so-slightly and you’ve just liked a photo from 2008 and given yourself away. It’s time to embrace your fears—and go one step further.
I don’t know who this boy is, and I’m not sure what he’s eating. But I wanted everyone involved in this photo to know that I wanted them to know that I’d been there. And now they do. I have yet to receive a response.
One of the greatest things about Facebook is the ability to retroactively mark the big events in your life: the day you were born, your first breakup, your first day on the job—all there for all the world to see. And if you want the world to see it, surely you want to hear the world’s thoughts on it? Happy to oblige!
And if you really want to kick it up a notch, you can comment with phrases that would be uncomfortable to say even in person. So they know you care.
Facebook has essentially just dropped this one right in your lap. If you go to someone’s profile, look to the left. If they have chosen to keep their relationship status hidden, you’ll see a small line prompting you to prod them for that very same sensitive information they’ve actively chosen to keep private. The future!
If, for some ungodly reason, the person you’ve chosen to harass has decided to oblige your absurd request, no reason to stop there. Facebook lets you ask them for all sorts of private, personal information they’ve made an explicit choice to keep hidden from you. High school? College? Phone number? Home address? All of the above.
Everyone is on Facebook these days: your teachers, your mom, aunts and uncles—the whole gang’s there. But being friends with your own relatives can get boring. That’s when it’s time to start friending other people’s relatives. And no one is more excited about new friends on Facebook than grandparents.
I got lucky. After friending my coworker Nick Stango’s grandmother, she poked me. I was delighted and promptly poked her back. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
It makes people more uncomfortable than anything else you could possibly do.