My Birthday WishesS

I'm 30 today. I woke up this morning and went for a jog up to Twin Peaks. I noticed how much harder it is to run with an extra couple of inches on my waist. Then I looked down and realized it could be the gigantic Halo 3 Zune in my hand. I got back to the apartment, thankful for the kind weather and the rare chance to exercise, and made myself a lumberjack platter of pancakes, three eggs, sausage, bacon, potatoes and a cup of ketchup and maple syrup. Damn Zune, slowing me down.

So what do I want for a present? Oh, so nice of you to ask! You don't have to get me anything. I have what I need. Buuuut....since you asked, there are some things I'd really, really like:

I'd like an interview with Steve Jobs, where...

all we do is talk shit about Windows, play Breakout, and smoke weed. Let me convince you, while you're high as a kite, that the iPhone should be open for for apps/widgets, 3g, and should have an iTunes store on the handset. And HD on iTunes. And no more AAC DRM, ever. Man, Steve must have some really, really good weed stashed in his cupboards.

I'd also like a Pony. Specifically, a Ferrari.

I'd also like an Interview with Bill Gates that is actually a wrestling match. And if I win, he has to build an operating system that doesn't crash more than once a month, or have annoying security pop-ups. I'll be Ricky the Steamboat Dragon, and he can be Macho man Randy Savage. To be fair, we'll play Xbox after. PGR like he likes, and we'll make fun of Apple's "spearhead" into the living room. El-oh-El. (Thank you Charlie White for the reenactment above.)

I'd like the first iPhone review, ahead of Mossberg, ahead of everyone. By 10 days. Nah, 30. One for each year of my life. A nerd can dream, can't he?

I'd like Sony to put all their engineers on a bus, knock 'em out with sleeping gas, and ship them to an island to fight, like in that crazy Japanese flick, Battle Royale. The strongest, smartest and most creative engineers that are still alive should go on to form a spin-off company dedicated to making a true iPod competitor under the Walkman moniker.

I'd like it if someone made a goddamn smartphone operating system that you can install stuff on, but isn't for douchebags in suits. I mean, have you used Windows Mobile 6 yet? It's like they took the turd that is Windows Mobile 5 and polished it.

I'd like all the tech publications I know to band together to boycott craplets on PCs. I only want them to provide us with a chance to opt out for a clean build. And Linux, for God's sake. Offer it!

I'd like it if Engadget would link to us. Come on, guys. Just one link!

I'd like it if TiVo would make up with Netflix and allow high-def downloads to the Series 3. And Netflix, while you're hedging your bets, offer a plug-in for Media Center downloads, too.

TiVo, please make a cheap HD Series 3.5 Junior Edition? And do me a favor and add a YouTube GUI.

Hello, Zune Phone team. I know you exist. I'm watching your every movement. In my mind. Please don't fuck this up. Don't let those Windows Mobile dweebs tell you what people want. Zune is pretty good. Fight back against their request for Microsoft PowerPoint compatibility.

I'd like a Gundam suit with live-blogging capabilities including a keyboard rest, a couple of EV-DO modems aggregated together, built-in video, photo capabilities, Slurpee machine, tissue box for nosebleeds I get from the stress of this job, plus the live video capabilities of Justin.tv.

Powerline Networking, you're awesome for streaming HD video across the house, but don't give me this shit about using power strips. Face it—I'm NOT giving you your own socket.

Wii, you're cute, and popular, but don't get cocky. You need games. And you need them fast.

Fuel-cell batteries for laptops today, and laptop bottoms that don't scorch our penises.

A Yamaha Surround Sound Panel that is short enough that it doesn't block the bottom part of a table mounted flat-panel.

I'd like it if Slingbox sold a little Sling chip to every video gadget maker. I want to Sling video from a Comcast box, and TiVo, directly from an Ethernet port, not from another box. The chip could have a remote control interface, so no more IR blaster, too.

I'd like the blank front page on phones to die. All phones should have that Nokia active rest screen chock-full of data and controls. A phone is not a digital picture frame with a reception icon in the top right corner.

Midnight embargo lifts are dumb for your level of exposure, and they ruin my social life. Peak news should hit at 8 or 9 a.m., EST.

Media Center PC with two CableCARDs under $1K. Come on, guys. Give yourself a fighting chance in the living-room DVR wars. You can win this!

CableCARD installs that users can do themselves.

That's all, really.

Have I missed anything?