The Best iPad Apps of the Week: Not Worse Than Food Poisoning

I bought a case of flavored "wild berry" bottled water this week. It was an accident, I thought it was just regular old water, but no, it's some foul mix of whatever the dentist gives you right before he gives you the water cup to spit that crap out and tin foil. But it's what I have here, so I'm drinking it. And so, here are this week's iPad apps. Metaphor.

The Best iPad Apps of the Week: Not Worse Than Food Poisoning

Resume Designer

You're a dignified human being who is experienced in Microsoft Office and is very Organized and has a Team First Attitude and is always on time and definitely does not skip out of work and do stuff from her iPad or iPhone. And that's no way to live. Here's an iOS app that makes resumes, which, god, at least use on an iPad instead of the iPhone, right?

The Best iPad Apps of the Week: Not Worse Than Food Poisoning

Guide

Do you know how you know we're dumb? TV news is smarter than we are. TV news is deeply stupid—this is also true. But it is smarter than we are because it knows what we want to see and how we want to see it. Guide is an app that takes the internet (more dumb) and turns it into a TV news program and shoves it down your eye-brain-throat and you'll like it. It will probably ruin your marriage.

The Best iPad Apps of the Week: Not Worse Than Food Poisoning

CANTABmobile

Real talk a second. Researchers at Cambridge have developed an app called Cantab Mobile that help with early diagnoses of dementia. It's for doctors—not something you can just download and use—but it vastly decreases the amount of time required, without expensive specialists, to get at the beginnings of a diagnosis. It won't give you a surefire diagnosis, but it will make it massively easier to get one. This is technology being what we were always promised it would be—practical, useful, and to some end other than using gigantic pieces of candy to bludgeon alien children to death (this is what I assume the plot to Candy Crush is about; I haven't played it).