Why I'm Holding Out for a Gold iPhoneS

I'm all giggly and giddy because I'm so close to the moment next week when I can plunk down my dollars for an iPhone 5S in shimmering gold. I'm holding out for it. You might think it's tacky, or gaudy, or absurd. But I knew the moment I saw it that it's the iPhone I deserve.

I've been ordered to explain myself, so I'll give it a whirl. If you want the short version, it's the same as it was the day Apple first trotted the goldpagne handset across the stage:

And seriously, fuck every single hater out there complaining that a gold phone is gauche. And most importantly, fuck me and all of us for caring so much about the color of a phone.

There's always been a severity to the iPhone's design that makes people take it very seriously, and more importantly gives the impression that the iPhone takes itself too seriously. It's elegant, yes, but that austerity is its own affectation. Reverence to the same black rectangle year after year doesn't make any sense. It never did.

Remember when Steve Jobs announced the first iPhone? It was as beautiful as it was exciting. More importantly, it looked cool, and different. It broke from the herd. But after five years, this astonishingly delicate hunk of glass and aluminum and silicon and human effort has gone from magical to mundane. Everyone knows what they're getting every year. The iPhone isn't the monolith it once was. That's good in that we've culturally finally stopped deifying hardware updates. But it's also been boring.

And then there's the gold iPhone. Something that, yes, is ostentatious. A device that is, in most eyes, tacky. And that's wonderful. It's playful, it's stupid, it's fun. It deflates Apple's balloon of self-importance. It invites ridicule in a way no Apple product (at least aesthetically) has in years. And that's why I want it.

The iPhone doesn't mean anything. It's a means to an end. But it's still fun to be excited about it again. And so I choose the gold iPhone because it's mildly amusing the way a red KitchenAid stand mixer is. It makes me laugh because it is so very dumb, and pretentious, and what the hell was Apple thinking? The hubris of painting a disposable product I'll probably smash when I'm drunk the color of natural currency!

You think I'm being ridiculous? I'm just having fun—and that's the whole point.