ORLANDO, FL. (Agencies) - Following disagreements with the Galactic Empire President and Emperor over the arrest of Santa Claus last year, Darth Vader resigned today from his post of Imperial CEO effective immediately. Citing personal reasons, Lord Vader's spokeswomen Lucy Lamarr pointed out that the Dark Lord will now join a rock band. "And by 'joining a rock band,' I mean playing guitar in Rock Band on his PS3 with his pals, back in his home city of Dyersburg, Arkansas." Later this morning, however, Lord Vader clarified his position:
"The Emperor just kept trying to force my hand over some, mostly musical, issues... like the Death Star's muzzak." Lord Vader said in an exclusive interview to the Dyersburg's Rock Scene Monthly, "I was like, Palp, mate, you just can't play f*cking Celine Dion all day! It's bad for the troops! Put some Led Zep, dude!" Lord Vader also pointed out that the Santa Claus affair was the last drop. "He wants to replace him with Michael (Jackson) next year. Imagine that, that guy. In red velvet. And with a line of kids waiting to sit on his lap. That's trouble, I tell you. Big trou-ble," he remarked. "Anyway, I'm looking forward to playing guitar with the guys back at home."
Brian Lam, Gizmodo editor-in-chief and reputed banjo player, said that Vader's music skills were strong but he needed to go easier on the solos. "Yeah, Darth kind of rocks. It's just when he gets into one of his Pink Floydish solos... it's like, yo, Darth, dude, stop it already!" he declared while eating a lasagna and showing absolutely no surprise over the fact that Lord Vader owns a Sony PlayStation 3. "I mean, come on, it matches the decor for chrissake. And remember the rumors that say that [Sony CEO Howard] Stringer used to be a Dark Lord himself."
Stringer was unavailable to comment but a Sony spokesman denied that he was pals with Vader: "at most, with his third cousin, Jabba the Hutt." Coincidentally, the Hutts are also Arkansas residents. [Techware Labs]