This Is Not What Your Girlfriend Wants For Valentine's DayS

Sixteen years ago, after watching too many MC Hammer videos, Paul Lyons decided to patent the skeaziest thing he could think of (imagine taking that guy from Dual Action Cleanse infomercial's face and turning it into an equivalently sleezy product): A condom that plays music with every thrust.

(No, this is not that crappy Ukranian knockoff.) Yes, Paul Lyons can proudly tell the world he owns a patent for "a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer which plays a melody or voiced message when during intercourse the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated." It's all about free love—you can record whatever music or sound you want, be it "Danger Zone" or "Thriller." I shudder at the possibilities.

Amazingly, it's never actually been produced. Idolator brings this gadget abortion back into the spotlight because they actually want this thing to happen probably because they're all depressed over there, awaiting the arrival of the Four Horsemen.

Sigh, so I kind of have to ask as much as every atom of my being is telling me not to: What would your (or your partner's) cocktone be if this small gateway to hell landed on your nightstand? Goddamnit. [Inventor Spot via Idolator]