Blotto, a column

A SCOTTISH NERD named Charlie Stross opined on the FUTURE OF PHONES on his text blog, joining the overly washed millions of other future-abusers in imagining what it will be like when iPhones and gPhones can do convincing augmented reality, wirelessly stimulate the male G-spot, et cetera. The only difference was that Stross is incredibly smart, as are his readers, concocting scenarios such as the one where a future Google augmented reality system overlays real-world billboards with their own ads. Love it.

Stoss is also the only Scotsman ever to invite me out for booze the next time I'm in Scotland, an offer I intend to accept if I could ever figure out where Scotland is. I keep turning right at the sign but somehow always end up in Greenland. If you know how to get to Scotland please write in.

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SPOT RECALLED their latest SPOT SATELLITE PERSONAL TRACKER—or the "SPOT 2" as it was unofficially-yet-now-quasi-officially dubbed—because of a repeatable wonkiness in the low battery flashing indicator, which might lead one to replacing the batteries too soon. NOT A BIG DEAL except for a few wasted batteries, but for a device on which one might rely for one's rescue from sex-crazed miracle bears, it is probably best to get yours exchanged.

I have been thinking a lot about these sorts of devices as I prepare to purchase a mobile camping vehicle from which I will stage my research into miracle bears and their reproductive predation patterns, marking a tight spiral from their last reported location which is typically a Flying J.

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I WILL ATTEND CES and I am vaguely even looking forward to it.

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THE FAMILY OF JAMES KIM, who were trapped on a mountain pass for ten days in the winter of 2006, made a surprise appearance at the Christmas party of the Josephine County, Oregon, SEARCH AND RESCUE TEAM.

"When Kati Kim and her girls, Sabine, now 4, and Penelope, 7, surprised the Josephine County rescuers at their Sunday party, 'It was a jaw-dropping moment,"'said Kate O'Connor, one of the team's volunteers. O'Connor wrote in her blog, '... there was a collective gasp, a split-second of stunned silence and then a standing ovation for them all. There were choked throats, laughs and tears ....'" reported Oregon Live.

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THE OPENING SCENE OF "COMING TO AMERICA" is the ultimate expression of man's desire.

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Blotto, a column

WHY IS IT SUPER DOUCHEY when a hygiene company like Axe advertises its products as an ENTICEMENT TO WOMEN but it is classy when an electronics company does the same? Dummy, it is because it was the '70s and because of scotch.

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WHY AM I WRITING this column this way instead of just putting up little posts? Because Gizmodo is a strange, multi-headed beast now, visible postcounts make blogging feel like a videogame, and sometimes I just need a place to speak in public without having to swing the hammer hard enough to ring the bell.

I will write this column AS DEEMED NECESSARY BY MY SUPEREGO, which you may collectively weave and warp your way into by using the email address or the toots. But do not contact me now because I am going to Crossfit to try and not be a monster.

YOU MAY expect to see one of these columns a day unless it is not here.

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KING JAMES CAMERON'S ORIGINAL AVATAR treatment in 1998 began the movie on a dilapidated Earth, described, "The walls are gray, the sky is gray... the people are gray. They shuffle past each other in dense crowds, shoulder to shoulder, unwashed because of the water shortages, and sickly looking from the bankrupt diet of cheap carbohydrates and synthetic proteins. It looks like a cross between THX-1138 and a Calcutta train station." BORING! But it might have made the humans of the final movie seem slightly less wantonly rapacious if we knew that Earth itself had been turned into a DIRTY TRAIN STATION.

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WHISKY TOOTHPASTE is my selection for Best of CES 2010, even if we have to make it ourselves. New York Shitty discovered it, I am informed!

Blotto, a column

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NUDE CHILDREN is one thing most Xmas cards don't include, unless you are Robert X. Cringely. Cris Cringely. Putting the cringe back in Cringemas. This is the future of all tech punditry.

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I AM DRUNK AND SAD. Please expect this to be the baseline of this column.