Adam Carolla Explains What the Hell is Wrong With Batteries Today

Adam Carolla of The Adam Carolla Show fame deals with lousy batteries the same way we do: Angrily. What's wrong with them? Why are we still having to charge stuff every day and deal with dead devices? Carolla explains.

Well first off we got the double-A and the triple-A, but I feel like we should start with a single-A and then go. The double-A and the triple-A are too close in size and in shape and in nomenclature. I got a little AM transistor thing I listen to when I walk around when I put the one thing in my ear and I walk around the neighborhood where I look like Burgess Meredith from Rocky with this thing on.

It takes a AAA battery and I have four-hundred AA batteries and I don't have a AAA battery-and again it's the kind of thing where it's the same retarded logic where you put Mockingbird Street next to Mockingbird Lane next to Mockingbird Avenue next to Mockingbird Canyon somebody is going to get fucking lost-and if you do AAA and AA and you make them almost the same size and almost the same girth but they don't fit each other's shit, then there is disaster waiting to happen.

There's nothing worse than "oh we got a shitload of batteries" and they're AA when you need AAA or vice versa. And then I don't know why they switched the C and D, and by the way-who uses the C batteries?-that's like the lost battery, the Tito Jackson of the Jackson family. You hear about Randy, you hear about Latoya, you hear about Michael, the C battery is the Tito of the Battery Jackson family. And then what's up with those kid's toys, they all take batteries-and some just pop open and you just pop in the batteries, others take the micro-screwdriver, and I don't get it. I don't know what the difference is between the Dora the Explorer that takes the batteries and the fire truck that takes the batteries. Why does one have that little hatch that you depress with your thumb tail and pop it open, and the other force you to take out a micro screwdriver? I don't know may folks who have micro screwdrivers, like those screw drivers you use to tighten the frames on your glasses.

And when you have kids toys, and here's the technological thing, I want someone to make a battery that just ends, it doesn't wear out like a car running out of gas, it just stops because the kids toys at night-especially after you've had a few glasses of wine-start getting weird when the batteries go low. You'll just be sitting there watching TV and you'll hear the [slow-mo] "Riiing aaarounnnd the Rooooosey..." and it all starts sounding Twilight Zone-y and demented and bizarre, because I don't know there's something about kid's toys running out of batteries that is the universal calling card for a horror movie-if you just think of that clown that goes "aaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhh", the eyes turn red and the voice gets low and they sound like the guy from Silence of the Lambs, it just freaks your ass out. So my feeling is if a battery is going to go, just have it go. I don't like that wear down to nothing. I know it's going to take a little technologically, but once it gets pass the point where it operates whatever it is it's operating past the point it just needs to cut the hell off.

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The other thing about batteries in general, you probably know computer batteries and cell phone batteries-but I'm old school, I was lugging around a car battery and I couldn't believe how God damned heavy it is. Batteries are so God damned heavy, I wish we could just lighten those things up. I got an iPhone, and the iPhone battery is shit. That thing doesn't last at all, and I realized-I think this thing is burning calories everywhere searching for Wi-Fi everywhere I go-now here's my question for you. I don't use Wi-Fi, I use my iPhone as just a telephone and when I'm just driving around town I'm constantly using it as a telephone and I've had Donny shut off the Wi-Fi search thing eleven times, and every time it starts back on again. So I keep saying, "who's turning this God damned thing back on" and he's saying "well you must be doing something", and I'm like listen-I barely know how to turn the damn phone on, believe I don't know how to turn the Wi-Fi search on, is it turning back on by itself? And if so why? Why can't we just shut it off and then turn it back on when we're looking for Wi-Fi? Why is it out scanning, burning battery power all the time? I'd be nice if that battery lasted a little longer.

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It's weird, I have this theory where we're caught in between technology, for instance everybody who had air conditioning in their cars in the 60s and the 70s it never really worked right for. Everyone who has air conditioning in their cars now have no problems, I mean you buy a new car-I don't care if it's a Ford Fiesta-ice cold air is going to blow through those vents every time you start up the car for the cars life, versus a 1963 Cadillac, even though it had air-it's a little bit spotty.

It's kind of like 3D technology, it's been around-our kids will enjoy flawless 3D technology, our parents had no 3D technology, we were the ones that got kind of punished in between. People were experimenting with the technology, that's the generation you don't want to be in. I feel like just in general, whether it's electric cars or power tools or computers or cell phones, were the guinea pigs for the batteries.

Obviously twenty years from now when our kids are walking around with cell phones there will be no issues whatsoever or computers. We're the battery guinea pigs, and also I never know what to do with those batteries when I'm done-especially those Dura-cell ones. I heard you can throw them out because they're safe, but that's just something I've heard-and, do you keep them in the fridge? I hear no, I hear that it's an old wives tale, but it sounds like a great plan doesn't it? And then you think, if they did better in the fridge wouldn't they tell you? Well, maybe they wouldn't-maybe that's their plan.

They want you to use them up faster.

Right. And then I don't know who's got the best one? There's Duracell, if they were a football team they'd be the coolest ones, but I don't know if they're the best. And I still like putting that 9V on my tongue on occasion.

And then there's 15,000 different sized ones for things like wireless alarm detectors and smoke detectors and hearing aids and all that shit. You know there should be, you know they have those wine of the month clubs and nuts and fruit of the month club-there should be a battery of the month club. You just get a new battery in the mail once a month, you get one shaped the size of a Frisbee and it's flat, it's like "what is this for?" "oh, it goes in a M1 Abrams tank" oh I'm sure I'll have some use for this at some point.

Or wouldn't it be nice if a pack of AAA batteries showed up at your house once a month or a brick of 9Vs, you would never be without. It would be a nice practical gift, thing is worse than when you're mucking around with something and you get that weird little odd shaped battery or a mini one that goes in a sensor or something and you're like "ugh, I don't have this one"-you know what would be a nice gift? A nice gift would just be a variety pack, like the See's Candy box of batteries. Here's five AAA, and five AA, but also of the weird shorty ones and the weird new ones that you see when you're checking out at Home Depot.

All that with a charger, though those things-now I don't know what's up with those rechargeable AA batteries, they don't seem to work for shit. I don't know what's wrong with those things, they work for ten minutes and then they don't seem to work anymore. I know you can get those extenders for your iPhone which are the size of a brick.

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Here's the other thing Jason, no one knows the iPhone better than you, why is it when you're running low on batteries does it have to give you a heads up every eleven seconds? It does that "beep, hey man you're running low on your battery", you're yeah ok, and it goes ‘push this button to acknowledge'. By the way, who is in charge here, why do I have to acknowledge your demand? You told me as the phone that I'm running low on battery, I heard you-do I have to touch your belly to confirm it. I have to go, ok-and then ten seconds later "hey man you're low on batteries" yeah OK, and ten seconds later.

What if this was a roommate instead of a battery? He pokes his head in to your room and says "hey man when are you going to do those dishes" and you go "yeah, I hear you I'll get on it" and he pokes his head in to your room eleven seconds later "hey man, what about those dishes" and you go "yeah, I heard you. Let me finish my phone call"-"hey man, what about those dishes?" and he kept on doing it in perpetuity. Wouldn't that be kind of annoying? It's not like I'm sitting in a Radio Shack, I don't have a charger nearby. I would happily plug you in, I heard you-I'm walking down the street, or I'm somewhere where I don't have my charger-so stop burning battery calories telling me you're running low on batteries when I heard you the first fucking time.

Speaking of that, I'm obsessed with this, why does a phone have to ring a second time a millisecond after the first ring? You're in a movie theater or you're at dinner or something or at work and your phone rings, why does it have to ring again in ¾ of a second? Why can't it ring once and then let you get it, or shut it off, or hit silent? What's up with the ‘ring, ring, ring' why can't it just go off once and give you a second to pick it up. But your home does that. Your home phone rings, and then it takes five seconds off because it knows you have to get up off the sofa and get it. It's like when somebody rings your doorbell, what do they do? They just lean on it and hold it down and never release it? It's equivalent to a knock on the door. You do your "knock, knock, knock" and then you sit back and let the person answer the fucking door. You don't just keep knocking, right?

Why are these cellphones dicks? Listen, here's and app-the app is this-do they have an app where the thing just mother fucking rings once and then gives you a full twenty seconds to pick it up without making any more noise? So if you're in the theater or at a meeting or somewhere so you're not embarrassed? They should have this app. Everyone's phone is ‘ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring' and it's not even two seconds. How about an app when the phone just makes a little cricket sound, or a phone that makes a noise so you wouldn't get blamed-like a Cessna airplane flying by where you don't really get punished for it, like if you're in a theater and then it stopped. Then you'd have time to pick it up.

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In addition to hosting the Adam Carolla Show every day (iTunes link), Adam is going to be up here at the San Jose improv this Friday and Saturday for five shows. You can buy tickets here. I'll be out there too, so come say hello if you see me.

He's also going to be at the House of Blues in San Diego, so check that out as well.