Yesterday, I received an arrangement of balloons from a new secret admirer. It was a uniquely flattering and completely-not-creepy-at-all-don't-kill-me-I-loved-it experience. But it got me thinking: Since we've provided you with all the tools you need to be really, really creepy, (not that the balloons were that!) then why not help you deal with persistent secret admirers? Here are seven tools to help establish some boundaries.
Not all secret admiration is done in person. Sometimes a person thinks so highly of you that he or she will find their way into your home while you're not there to learn more wonderful things about you. Or to, you know, engage in self-love with your unmentionables. Probably both. But you can get locks that alert you via email whenever someone enters your home, even if they have a key or passcode. $75-$100
Find My Friends. Wait, What?
This might seem a little counterintuitive, since Find My Friends has the capacity to be the stalkerest stalky thing that's ever happened to you. Actually, it probably already is. But! If you judge your secret admirer* to be at all likely to, say, abduct your person and handcuff you to a radiator (in the scary not sexy way), Find My Friends or a similar service might help your loved ones find you. $ the cost of an iOS5-compatible device
Do you know how easy it is to bug someone's house? No really, do you? Because I have no idea. It can't be too hard, with all the bozos (and news organizations) who are constantly getting arrested for having done it for an extended period of time. But I'd certainly want to know if my secret admirer gave it a go. If you think you're being secretly admired, you can get bug detectors that show you where the bugs are, and on what frequency. $280
Any secret admirer* worth his or her salt probably has a lot of candid photos of you. Mostly for self-pleasure. While that's probably sort of harmless maybe, you might be uncomfortable with being admired quite so privately. If that's the case, you just need some Blur anti-photo spray, which is so reflective it won't let a camera sensor process your face. You just, you know, need to get the "inventors" to finish making it. $R&D to complete Blur / Time Machine
Secret admirers* can be persistent, and it can be wearisome to have to lug your anti-adoration gear around with you all day. But there's a win-win solution: Adopt an adorable fucking giant dog. You don't have to teach him to be a total jerk to humans, but if you treat him well, chances are you can feel a little safer from any surprise cherishing that might be going on. $50-$200
Let's say all else fails and you absolutely must escape the admiration under fear of your life. You can't get away, and you're afraid of being—aw hell, you're afraid the psycho's going to kill you and wear your face to your parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner. Your best bet, if you're a wonderfully affluent and prepared individual, is a panic room. If you're neither of those things, consider making either fast friends with your pursuer, or peace with whatever god you believe in. $50,000-$500,000