6 Tools to Get Your Ass to Work on Time

Snooze. Snooze. Double-tap-snooze-20-more-minutes. Snooze. Off. Yeah, that's fine. Off and I'll get up in two minutes. ... ... ... Crap. CRAP. That's bad. This is really bad. I'm fired. I need this job.

Here's a list of tools to let you sleep in and keep your job:

6 Tools to Get Your Ass to Work on Time

Amplicom TLC 200

Yeah, the alarm clock. Of course an alarm clock is your first line of defense against being late and fired and unemployed and destitute. But if you're here, yours has already failed you. So skip over any half-measures and just get the loudest damn alarm clock you can. The Amplicon TLC 200 is 90 decibels of job-saving sleep buster. $75 [Amazon]

6 Tools to Get Your Ass to Work on Time

TeleNav Navigation App

Getting out the door on time is hard enough, but if you do manage to accomplish it, it's terrible to get yourself stuck in an unexpected traffic jam and end up late anyway. Terrible because you'll obviously have to kill someone with your hands and violence if it happens. So you should use a navigation app that warns you about traffic jams so you stay employed and out of jail.

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6 Tools to Get Your Ass to Work on Time

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Coffee Chews

Coffee's great, and a very good way to get your ass in gear after a late start. But making it takes time. Time you don't have. It might help to just cram it in your mouth and let the sleep rush out of your body like everything rushes out of your body after a good cup of real coffee. $13 [Grinds]

6 Tools to Get Your Ass to Work on Time

Colgate Wisp Mini-Brushes

This is like the big and very gross brother of having to skip the morning shower. But it's got a simple fix in these tiny, portable toothbrushes that you can shash away in your bag or pocket or desk drawer. $2 [Amazon]

6 Tools to Get Your Ass to Work on Time

Dry Shampoo

Okay, so you're running late. But you can make a recovery if you cut some corners in your morning routine—like basic human hygiene practices. But ugh, look at that bedhead. You can at least get it looking and feeling a little cleaner at the office or on the way with some dry shampoo, which is a total mystery to me and has the potential to ruin Johnny Depp's career. (Because he is so very dirty.) $10 [Amazon]

Hot Pockets Sideshots

Yeah, breakfast burritos or yogurt pumps or whatever the heck else people try to eat on the go are portable and all. But are those scientifically engineered to be totally portable and let you realize every human being's manifest destiny of free-eating? Hell, maybe. But Sideshots definitely are, and are definitely delicious. $10 [ShopRite]