So You Want to Watch Porn in Your Dorm Room

Kids are flocking back to college, their noggins aching for facts and ultimate frisbee, or whatever. For some of you, it'll be the first time living in a small room with another person. So, uh, how are you supposed to watch porn?

We'll start with a basic premise: it's not okay to openly jerk off while your roommate is in the room. I mean, if you're both into that, that's totally cool—but it's probably not cool, and such an action will likely result in extreme consequences.

But you're a human, presumably, with human needs. There's no need to explain why—just, given the rigors of college life, you're going to want to pleasure yourself constantly. Follow these rules.

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Seriously, don't do it while your roommate(s) are there

If you're sitting at your computer, trying to masturbate with other people in the room, they will notice. You can try for pocket pool, maybe hide the action under your desk or with some kind of blanket, but it won't work. Sooner or later they will see you and that will be the end of everything. They're trying to do work in there, man.

Love a tablet

The tablet is is a luxury device, but perhaps the greatest luxury it affords is porn consumption. And depending on the layout of your room, it could make for the perfect stealth masturbatory gadget. A smaller device like the Kindle Fire or Nexus 7 is perfect for one-handed operation, and most popular porn sites (i.e. PornHub) offer decent mobile versions that are perfect for tablet browsing. You can comfortably enjoy yourself in bed. Hope the other guy's asleep!

If you're in the room solo, go anywhere. Should a roommate start to enter, a tablet can be quickly discarded, tossed into an innocent pile of laundry—unlike a laptop, which can cause an awkward fumble. Tablets, lacking things like USB ports and hinges, are also exponentially easier to clean. Just saying.

Go mobile

With a small tablet (or even a phone—touching yourself might be the one thing that justifies the screen size of a Galaxy Note), you can head to the dorm's bathroom, or even some intimate nook of the library. As long as you can snag a wi-fi connection, your collegiate masturbating knows no boundaries.

Use headphones

A no-brainer, but one that's worth shouting into your brain. Even if your roomie is asleep and you think you're being sneaky, don't take any chances—pop in an earbud, and keep an ear open for intruders.

Practice safe browsing

Your roommates can and will violate your privacy, and they will snoop into the stuff that's on your computer. Messing with your Facebook status is only the start. People in your room will look at your browsing history and open tabs—so if you have anything to hide when it comes to naked people doing stuff together, take an intro course in how to watch porn and get away with it. Also, don't snoop around your roommate's computer. There are so few sacred things in college. Let this be one of them.

User Manual is Gizmodo's guide to etiquette. It appears as if by magic every Friday.