13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have

Everyone is going crazy over all the new features that are being "confirmed" by Apple's website. And sure, that's fun, but we thought we'd do you one better. Instead of just telling you what will be in the iPhone 5, here's a list of what's been left on the cutting room floor.


The iPhone 5 will not come with a puppy

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


It will not have a kickstand

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


Or a sliding keyboard

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


For some reason, it won't come with an onboard taco

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


Or a Rosario Dawson

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


Despite rumors to the contrary, no iPhone Nexus line this year either

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


The exclusion of Tentacle Porn from this year's iPhone is a weird choice

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


We expected that it would not have Blu-ray

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


But the lack of a VCR caught us off guard

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


An iPhone girlfriend was the last hope a lot of us had. Too bad.

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


We're not sure what happened with the supply chain lasagna leaks

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


Sorry, Holopac

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have


And this one is just too bad. Our own Brent Rose was really crossing his fingers for this

13 Features the iPhone 5 Definitely Won't Have