Image: Sam Woolley

Rule 34 is a foundational principle of the internet. The idea is simple: if something exists, porn of that something must also exist.

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Steve Wozniak exists. Alexis Ohanian and Jack Ma exist. Tom Anderson, Larry Page, Evan Spiegel, and Peter Thiel likewise exist. And yet, there is no smut of them I could find—though there’s no shortage of tweets demanding it be made. Despite a porno-ready name like “Musk” the only saucy content of SpaceX’s founder out there is a genderbent alternate universe where (s)he is seeking psychiatric help. Not the sort of stuff that’s likely to disrupt libidos.

In honor of Senior Week, I set out to find what erotic tech guy fanfiction did exist. There wasn’t much, but what turned up did not disappoint. Below are some choice excerpts with links back to the full masterpieces.

The Tastiest Apple

A short vignette in which Steve Jobs bones Siri. Or an iPhone which Siri embodies. The physical aspect is clearly an afterthought.

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She felt her headphone jack being exposed, and was tempted to do a quick change of settings, and switch to the British male voice that Steve didn’t know, so as to scare him away... Steve started by whacking his penis on the screen of the iPhone. He was excited of the things to come, like him.

The Daddy Pact

A married David Karp contemplates a more fulfilling relationship with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.

“What’s up?” continued Mark. He just continued to smile, well…until he glanced down at David’s belt area. There he saw it – the eleven inches that was his erect dong.

So Goddamn Nervous

The Winkelvoss twins and a woman—who, as far as I know, is not meant to represent any particular technologist plutocrat—engage in a threesome.

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Tyler rubs a hand over Cameron’s back, pushes them in again, fingers stuttering when he finds the spot, an endless loop there and there and there, perfect, each twist a bracing shock to his body.

Amazon to Monetize Fan Fiction, He Moaned

Well, this one is a jab at Kindle Worlds, but it still involves Jeff Bezos getting doinked by some guy from The Vampire Diaries.

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“We’re also not allowing anything we deem pornography. Or ‘offensive depictions of graphic sexual acts.’”

“Well, then, Jeff, we’ll just have to be sure not to do anything ‘offensive’, won’t we?” Damon’s muscles were like iron as he pushed Jeff softly down onto the plush lounge chaise.

Regrets

A haggard, out-of-work Barney the Dinosaur befriends and is then taken advantage of by Mark Zuckerberg. He somehow becomes pregnant and gives birth to the Facebook privacy settings dinosaur.

What happened next was somewhat of a blur, between having more booze, playing pool, eating foods that were unknown to the alien (some for the better), and eventually soaking in the tycoon’s steaming hot tub... Then his consciousness faded. And when his consciousness returned, he had a pounding in his head. Wait, no...he had a pounding in more than just his head. He flung his eyes open to find the shadowy figure of Mark, the man he trusted, violently thrusting into him.

Untitled

Steve Jobs kidnapped Bill Gates some time ago and has forced him into sexual slavery which blossoms into a Stockholm Syndrome romance. Most of the dialogue is the word “yes.”

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He turned out the light when he left. Bill was left with nothing to see. Nothing to hear but his own breath. Nothing to taste but the last drops of Steve in his mouth. Nothing to feel but the cuffs on his wrists and the air across his skin.

If you’ve seen (or written) any erotic fanfics involving, say, Sergei Brin in a tumultuous love affair with Steve Ballmer or Palmer Luckey building Oculus to date Rei from Neon Genesis Evangelion, please send it our way.