We all want to have sex with each other all the time, but we can't. So we transfer our screw-and-fondle energy into our smartphones—often with disastrous, humiliating results. It doesn't have to be this way. Here's how to sex-text like a champion.
As stated when we groped this topic last summer, the pure, true definition of sexting is acting out your super-cool fantasies via SMS (or iMessage). Dirty texting might be the easiest method of being horny over the phone. But we know you kids want to exchange poorly lit photos of pee-pees and vee-vees, too, like our friends Christina Hendricks and Olivia Munn (and don't forget Prof. Favre!). But let's start with the basics: typing titillation.
Don't sext a stranger, you sicko
That girl and/or guy you met last night? NO. Don't ever text a casual acquaintance to tell them how much you want to slide their pants off and oh my god what. Maybe you do. You probably do! That's okay. But there's no surer way of terrifying someone into never speaking to you again than jumping the sext gun. Which brings us to:
Don't sext if you've never sexed
Putting the digital simulacrum before the real flesh-and-blood deal isn't only backwards, it's difficult! You don't know what your sexting partner likes and doesn't like before you've actually done it to them. It's hard to turn someone on in a vacuum—wait until you've got empirical evidence of what gets who off how before you try simulating it with letters.
Don't sext drunk unless you're both drunk
It always seems like a great idea to fire off something creepy and desperate when it's late and you're wasted, but to the sober recipient, it just comes off as creepy and desperate. Now, if you're both sauced, anything goes! The weirder the better! The great exception!
Don't use emoji
Just, ugh, no.
Don't ever use the word "penetrate"
Use emoticons sparingly
Smileys like :-D are pretty weird in the context of digitally imaginative blowjobs, but against all odds, the old ;) still has its flirty charm in 2012. Just don't overdo it, as you should be taken at least somewhat seriously during all of this.
Do get filthy—gradually
Believe it or not, things you type on your phone can actually lead to sex with an actual person in real life! So don't be afraid to put it all out there. Just don't do it with no warning, like dumping out some giant bucket of condoms and sparklers. Go for a steady drip of innuendo, leading up to arrant raunchiness. Don't be afraid of talking about your "dick," and "where you want it to go," hypothetically. Just do your best to stay on track with your interlocutor, or you could end up texting into a void of shock and horror.
Don't use Siri
It usually doesn't work and you'll feel bad about yourself while doing it.
Use real words like an adult human
You want to act like a sexually developed grownup? Talk the talk. No ur making me soo wett omg. Space is tight, sure, but better to split your message up into parts than cram it all together like some kind of middle school lobotomy patient.
Getting Away With It
If you want to keep your sexting a covert operation—say, from the prying eyes of a girlfriend or other person who would rightfully kick your ass—change your sext partner's name in your contact list. Use a code name like Aunt Sheila or something equally uninteresting. Should an inquiring mind start scrolling through your inbox, they'll pass up this name, whereas they might tap on JENNNIFER RFROM BAR. Make sure to disable text previews on your lock screen, too.
Turn off iMessage statuses
This sounds trivial, but disabling read receipt for iMessage means not having to rush the smut. If you can see when your sexter has read your message but hasn't replied, the angst could kill the mood. Allow yourselves to e-hump each other at a natural pace.
Get a privacy screen if you want to text indecent things in public. You don't want to pop anyone's monocle off.
It might pain you, but it's smart to cover your tracks if you're afraid of being busted by someone with access to your phone. If you get something particularly juicy, you can always screenshot it and lock it away on Dropbox or something. But an incriminating sext thread could become a huge liability.
Sending Pictures of Your Naked Body to People Who Aren't Doctors
We've covered the art of lewd self-portraiture, but here are the highlights, put in convenient acrostic form:
Use proper lighting
Never take pictures of a (your?) penis
Clean up your room
Leave something to the imagination
Expect your cock shots to eventually leak onto the internet.
Well, that ended up being a horribly creepy acronym! But maybe now you'll remember. And let's add one more ironclad rule: Don't send unsolicited nakey pics. Ever. Even if it's your wife. Just don't take the chance. Send something visually suggestive, sure, but don't just boob-bomb your recipient. You need some context up in there! Otherwise it's just here's a penis, instead of a dialogue. A dialogue you might masturbate to, but a dialogue nonetheless. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, U-N-C-L-E, use these tips to text sexy. Seriously though, don't use emojis.
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