Ashton Kutcher Must Be Stopped (Before He Corrupts Our Laptops)

It's a little-known fact that celebrity Ashton Kutcher moonlights as a Lenovo engineer. At first, it was tolerable: a kickstand here, a bigger battery there. But now, the chisel-cheeked entrepreneur has twisted Lenovo's latest tablets to his own foul aims: the new Yoga Tablet 2 Pro has a built-in projector. And a subwoofer. And a 13-inch, 2560 x 1440 screen. It's a goddamn miniature movie theater, complete with a tiny Ashton to show you around the place.

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Sure, it's only a run-of-the-mill Android tablet otherwise, with a quad-core 1.8GHz Intel Atom processor, 32GB of storage, and a 9600mAh battery rated for 15 hours (or three in projector mode), but it doesn't take much to corrupt impressionable youth, no? Would you want Ashton to babysit your kids with a movie beamed from this $499 portable projector? I thought not.

And that's before you consider that the Yoga Tablet 2 Pro isn't alone: it's merely the flagship for an entire new series of Ashton-inspired machines. Each of the four additional Yoga Tablet 2 devices has a hole cut into the kickstand so you can hang it on the wall like the world's most awkward picture frame. Each has USB-OTG so you can use them to charge your phone.

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(Why four models? Because you've got your choice of Android or Windows on either an 8-inch or 10-inch screen, and because the $399 10-inch Windows model comes with a snap-on magnetically attached Bluetooth keyboard in an attempt to seem all Surface Pro-like. $249 for 8-inch Android, $299 for 10-inch Android or 8-inch Windows.)

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Who knows what horrors Ashton might come up with next? I don't even want to imagine what he might do with our precious ThinkPads. And remember: it's only a matter of time before Lenovo owns Motorola too. Sure, the company will tell you it's all based on user research, but we know the truth.

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