Beat Your Meat in Style with This Ultramodern Tenderizer

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Summertime's here, which ushers in months of orgiastic carnivore living. Buy dead things and eat them—it's delicious! Sorry vegetarian friends, grilled eggplant is delicious too. But for the rest of us—this serrated roller will powerfully prep fresh flesh.

The Tender is filled with glass balls, which its designer claims boosts smashing power, and doubles as a metal-toothed smasher along with side-rolling action. Your steak will be brutalized, bashed, and stretched until it's ready to dissolve down your gullet. And you'll look a lot classier than you would just taking a mallet to it. We're not neanderthals, after all. [Uutensil via Yanko]