Photo: Getty

Chris Sacca, the amateur Hank Williams Jr. impersonator best known for his early investments in Twitter and Uber, published 1,700 words on Wednesday to say what he could have said in just one tweet: he’s retiring.

“It’s hard to leave all this behind right when things are going so well. I’m good at what I do,” Sacca assured his loyal fans, “But, as I have increasingly realized, startup investing is one of my things, but it is not my everything.” Wow! This guy is multi-talented.

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Sacca, a guy who often reminds people that he likes to wear a cowboy shirt, went on to explain that he won’t be returning to the hit TV show Plutocrat Interrogation Lottery (colloquially known as Shark Tank) either:

Wait, really? You’re just walking away from Shark Tank?

I love taping the show. You can’t necessarily tell when watching at home, but those pitches are usually an hour long each and many are emotional, hilarious, and inspiring. Watched by millions every week, across red and blue states alike, it’s refreshing how many new people from outside my bubble continually reach out to talk with me. The show quite simply embodies the American Dream.

Sadly, like I mentioned above, more investments makes it impossible for me to move on. So it’s time to walk away. Or, as we would say on the show, “I’m out.”

Chris is dropping the mic, folks. He’s out! Oh, wait, he’s starting a podcast. Fuck.

I’m also launching a podcast. Because, I mean, the world desperately needs another podcast, am I right? Not to be a tease, but the format is different from anything else I’ve seen out there and the subject matter is hopefully boundless, eye-opening, and a little cathartic. Did I already say stay tuned? Well then, glad I don’t have to mention it again.

For sure, man. Can’t wait to tune in. And, listen, even though we all know he could run for public office and win easily because he’s so smart and charming and handsome he is NOT going to do it. Listen, like, he totally could if he wanted to BUT he’s not going to do it. Okay?

Wait, is quitting all this stuff a prelude to running for political office?

No.

If you follow my Tweets, you know, my attention and anxiety have been increasingly focused on the plight of our democracy. I don’t say that lightly. I think the institutions, principles, norms, and traditions that make the United States of America genuinely exceptional are at serious risk. It has been hard to think about anything else.

As a rich white guy, being an activist/loudmouth in the #resistance often means taking up political positions that are against my own apparent self-interest.

Chill out, Matt McGorry! We get it dude, you’re woke.

That kinda sounds like you’re running for office.

I assure you, that’s not going to happen. Nevertheless, 

Jesus, just stop.

So how else are you going to spend your time?

You mean beyond fighting a despotic regime, doing more television, launching a podcast, all while raising three wonderful kids under six? Fair question. My favorite author, Buckminster Fuller, wrote:

PLEASE stop.

Anything else to add, Chris? Or are you just stalling?

Someone must be dicing onions in this room because it’s getting hard to see my screen.

I feel so grateful for all you have given me. Not just our investors and entrepreneurs. But all of you. I am very lucky.

Thank you.

Is this guy literally crying at the sight of his 1,700-word love letter to himself? Have you ever been brought to tears by a nauseating level of humblebragging? Because I think I just experienced that.

No, Chris, thank you.

[Chris Sacca]