If You Need a Gimmicky Gadget Alarm Clock You're a Horrible Subhuman

Oh, cool, an alarm clock shaped like R2-D2 that will roll around your room and play Star Wars music to pry you out of bed. If you need this, you're lazy scum who doesn't deserve the job you're late for.


Techie gimmick alarms are one of our species' worst indulgences. Humans have been waking up and going to office and industry for centuries, but only in the past couple decades have we started to see these idiotic "unique" alarms. Clocks that shoot darts at you! Clocks you have to shoot with darts! Clocks that ask you to solve a puzzle! Clocks with apps! Alarms that will mail a bomb to your parents' house unless you get out of bed and stop snoozing like some kind of catatonic asshole. That could work!

Or just fucking get out of bed when the noise that wakes you up goes off. Snooze if you need to (once). But then get out of bed, because unlike millions upon millions of human beings across the planet, you have a reason to get out of bed—probably a job—and the thought of losing that reason to get out of bed because you remained in bed like a greasy cloud-eyed infant is incentive enough. Just get out of bed. You don't need technology. My grandfather went to his office on time every morning to help manufacture ICBMs without an R2-D2 alarm clock—and this was during the Cold War. He could have been nuked at any given moment, for all he knew.

In closing, if you need an alarm clock with any functionality besides playing music or some kind of awful noise, die. I'd like to thank the committee for my time, and I yield the remainder to the Chairman. Good day.


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