Largest Statewide Ban On Styrofoam Likely to Take Place Where Else But New Freakin' Yawk, Baby

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Photo: NOEL CELIS (Getty)

Cawfee cups. Disposubuhl coolahs. Those little trays wit da lids the good halal cart puts ya lamb ova rice in. Whaddathey got in common, besides containin’ some-a life’s most precious food items fer consumin’ after a long day in da Big Apple? Nine times outta ten, they’re freakin’ styrofoam. And not fuh nothin, but whose ever usin’ those is killin’ the goddamn planet.

Thankfully, New Yawk, the best—and not that anyone’s askin’ but to me, the only state—went above’n beyon da call-a duty. Cuomo, da govnuh we love ta hate, is proposing we put the ki-bosh on styrofoam once and for all... by 2022 that is.

We’re talkin’ da afuhmentioned cawfee cups and takeout containuhs, but we’re also talkin packin’ peanuts and otha styrofoam-based materials fuh keepin’ all the crap ya buy online from showing up broken just in time for some yutz to steal off ya stoop. Keep it. Like I needed a Roomba anyway. Whatevah.


While the bozos in Washintun sit around wit their thumbs up their asses, cities states in this big, beaduful country ah increasingly puttin’ da squeeze on some of da biggest sources of garbage (and I’m not talkin’ about Jersey, unfortunately). Credit where it’s due, those slow-walkin’, kamboosha-sippin’ hippies out in California was onta something with their highly successful single-use plastic bag ban. So much so, in fact, that we err, “borrowed” the idea ourselves. Now personally? I dunno how I feel about a New Yawk with less litter. This city’s practically built on garbage. But if the suits up in Awlbany say my kid will have a—whachacallit—ecologically viralable planet in 30 years, hey, let’s give it go. Gotta let ‘em have enough time for a couple divorces like his old man is what I say. Maarooone.

Loathe as I am to paint dis as anything less than the best state in da whole union, but New Yawk ain’t exactly first to da whole styrofoam thing neitha. Maine got that distinction back in May. And ya know, let ‘em have it. Maine needs this more than us, folks.


Then Vuhmont a month later decided, what-a we, a buncha assholes? Gettin’ beat by freakin’ Maine?! (Bit of an, er, authorial note heah but ya know they call a soft serve a “creemee” up there? Four “e”s and all. God damn savages up there, I tell ya.) So maybe da whole styrofoam ban wasn’t exactly an Empire State idea, but if da ban comes through, it’d be da biggest n best, coverin’ somethin like 20 million schmucks from the weirdos up in Buffalo to my asshole cousins in Staten.

You think we’re messin’ around? According to a press release from King Govnuh Amazawn Cuomo, “violators will be penalized with a fine starting at $250. Second, third and fourth violations will be fined $500, $1,000 and $2,000 respectively.” Two thousand bucks is more than my freakin’ rent!


In summation: New Yawk, despite any arguments or evidence to the contrary, is the best place anyone could evuh hope ta live. You know it. I know it. Fawking A-Rod knows it. And the only things what ain’t welcome here is racists, environmental waste, and Connecticut drivers.