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Moldavite

Screenshot: Gizmodo
Screenshot: Gizmodo

Moldavite is an extraterrestrial glass (a tektite) believed to have solidified in a fiery shower off a meteor which smashed into now-Germany. 15 million years later, its polished fragments have transmitted their paranormal energy via TikTok and sit upon gem store shelves, waiting to unleash cataclysmic space curses on the innocent.

We arrived at this discovery after TikTok seized on moldavite because, in the words of the online shop Crystal Vaults, “It facilitates strong, clear, and direct connection between one’s consciousness and the Universal Source.”

Shortly after, some TikTokers became convinced that moldavite cost them their job, burned their house down, caused a divorce and a car wreck, and killed one or more people. Other moldavite owners became convinced that moldavite improved everything. We simply don’t know what moldavite does or does not do, but news reports elsewhere indicate that The Universe typically does not care to mitigate undeserved human suffering.

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