The latest late night wars have proven to be more riveting (and fun) than any trade dispute between the Galactic Republic and Trade Federation. We thought we'd help NBC out by offering eleven suitable replacements for either Jay or Conan.
Space Ghost- Experience matters. And no science fiction character has more late night hours then Tad Ghostal, Zorak, Moltar and the whole Coast 2 Coast gang. He's not afraid to ask questions such as, "Are you getting enough oxygen?", which is more hard-hitting then Jay Leno has ever been.
Tony Stark- A talk show host should be a smooth operator, able to get a joke out of the stiffest actor and humoring the craziest of guest stars, letting the audience laugh along with them. It's hard to think of anybody better equipped for this then Tony Stark. The whole show could just be an infomercial for Stark Industries, canceling out the need for commercials, which means the show would most consist of supermodels firing disintegrator rays and launching missiles. It'd beat the hell out of "Jaywalking".
Gaius Baltar- We know Gaius can capture an audience- his radio broadcasts had the entire fleet spellbound. Who needs guests when you can rant about the One True God for 40 minutes, introduce Arcade Fire for a song, then say goodnight?
Morbo- Jay, Conan, Jimmy, Dave, Craig- notice a trend here? One of the big problems with late night TV is that its become a cavalcade of white, human, men. Who better to cancel out the pro-human bias then Futurama newsreader Morbo, who charmed New New York with witticisms such as, "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo."?
Odo- A shapeshifter with a giant chin? Sounds perfect for 11:35.
Jesse Custer- The Word of God, which allows Custer to control any sentient creature with his voice, would make interviews a lot more interesting. There's also about a 50% chance he'd get into a drag out brawl with any guest who gave him lip. And Arseface could lead the band!
Professor Quirell/Lord Voldemort- This would solve all of Jeff Zucker's problems. Quirell hosts at 10 PM with Stupid Muggle Tricks and then undoes his turban, turns around, and viola! The Tonight Show With the Unspeakable Evil. Bonus: Voldemort can talk to snakes, meaning Zucker could be a guest.
Zuckuss- Now, a Gandian schizophrenic assassin doesn't sound like the first choice for a late night talk show. But! He already has experience getting canceled prematurely, and nothing Jeff Zucker, Jeff Gaspin, or anyone else at NBC would do to him could compare with this-
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The Borg- Welcome to the show. You will be assimilated. Resistence is futile. BORG BORG BORG BORG BORG BORG BORG BORG BORG SPECIAL GUEST BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD BORG BORG BORG
SHODAN- I love this choice. After having it's ethical coding removed, System Shock's SHODAN became a ruthless megalomaniac, dismissing humans as nothing but "meat and bone, sweating and panting." She'd be perfect for Hollywood!
The head of Conan O'Brien- Soon to be replaced with the chin of Jay Leno.