Gizmodo
So, here I am, on my own in the Giz office. The door has just closed behind the last one (Benny the Intern, struggling under the weight of Our Dear Leader's cases—a different outfit every day, I believe, and 17 brand-new batteries for his MacBook Pro) and it's just me here. Everyone's gone to Vegas for something called, I believe, CSI.
Er, no, that's not right. E-Z Sex, is it? Or something like that. CES. Right. Yep. I knew that all along. We shed tears at the farewell ceremony. I fired a party popper and played my kazoo. Blam made a stirring speech all about fighting them in the booths, fighting them in the corridors, fighting them in the virtual theaters of war. The troops all had lumps in their throat—especially Wilson, who's been grappling with a nasty cold this week—and I could only stand and and marvel at their certain sacrifice all in the name of freedom and liberty consumer electronics.
Reader, it is a sacrifice. Barely have these young men recovered from Slut Machine's New Year's Eve Party, their reward for the earlier horrors of chatting up Great Aunt Ethel on Christmas afternoon in the Old Kuntz home, than it is time for them to brave the horrors of Homeland Security, remove their shoes, belts and electronic devices (trust me, Muscles, you don't want to be on the wrong end of a "You want me to put my iPhone in that tray? Seriously??" look from Blam) and get on a Vegas-bound plane that is Wi-Fi un-abled. I mean, you don't expect them all to have actual spoken conversations with each other, do you?
Having just fought my way through the new-gadget desert of December, I can understand why the powers that be want to hold CES in January. The beginning of the year is all about hope, it's a shiny and new time for everything—except people's livers and wallets. But do they have to go and hold it in Vegas? Sheesh, those guys have got a lot to learn about mankind. At least they should give everyone a couple of months to recover from cocktail and credit excess before dangling expensive, sexy bits of metal, plastic and silicon in front of their eyes.
Wilson, between sneezes and swigs of Robitussin, described CES as a "masochistic feat of machismo." I, sadly, will not be able to verify that, as I have been instructed to stay in the office, rather like Miss Moneypenny. Guarding the door, keeping everything ticking along, a little bit of co-ordinating here, some dusting there, checking out Jason's nekkid lay-dee collection that's on that secret hard drive he thinks I don't know about, reading Matt Buchanan's dear diary, that sort of stuff, waiting for the special red CES-emergency telephone to ring and Blam to tell me breathlessly that he put his foot through the paper-thin Pioneer 118-incher, and does Giz have insurance?
Then the doorbell will ring, and I'll open it, and standing there will be a stacked young man from the Geek Squad, wearing funny overalls with no shirt underneath. And suddenly all my clothes will fall off and excruciatingly cheap-sounding R 'n' B will start playing before the bloke says "Ja, Ja, Das Is Fantastiche, Grossen, Filthen Schlutten" and drops his pants.
Anyway enough about my fantasies—and the Adult Entertainment Expo. Salute the bravery of these guys. The crazy-assed figure of 250 posts a day was being bandied about our chatroom the other day. That is five times our daily post rate. Over 10 an hour. One every six minutes or so. And let's not forget the surprises, like one-on-ones with the innovators, the exceedingly rich and geeky, and of course all those booth babes.
Readers, they're doing it all for you—and without an in-suite hot-tub between them. I'm not going because I've got an unbreakable engagement in London, but I wish I could be there to do more than the dusting. Next year, I guess. Viva Las Vegas!
Comments
Yeah, thanks for inviting us... Thanks a lot.
The weather in Vegas is in the 50s during the day and 30s during the evening in January.
Besides being the coldest month of the year - IT IS ALSO RIGHT AFTER X-MAS ......HOW STUPID IS THAT???!!!
A more perfect time would have been later on in the year when the temperature peaks in the 70s, so that visitors could take advantage of one of the best climates in the USA, and take casual strolls during the evening hours.
Haha, nice article. The Miss Moneypenny bit made me laugh. Can't wait for all the CES news :)
What are they, the Black Sheep Squadron?
Haven't you been in training for this all year??
Go get 'em!!! :D
17 batteries for a MBP - that's should last for about 10 hours.
(just kidding - my MacBook battery gets about 2 hours after about 14 months)
If you put everything from digg onto gizmodo then u might be able to beat their 250 post count!!
Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, give 'er the gun (give 'er the gun now!)
God, that was funny: "everyones gone to something called, I believe, CSI".
Priceless.
See you guys at CES! Any chance you will be at the Monster Cable VIP party?
Where can i find out were you guys will be, not that i want to stalk you or anything...
If CES were before Christmas, I'd totally regift all the freebies as Christmas presents. One holiday headache solved. :P
LOL - good post. Can't wait to hear all the news!
You have the same "geek squad guy" dream too?
Cant wait for CES this year. Look on the bright side, with nobody left in the office, why wear pants?
To the comrades who shall be braving this conference only to liveblog macworld that is right around the corner, godspeed gents, godspeed.
For centuries man has gone to war. Like those people in Troy or uh like the 300 guys you know etc etc. Now begins an epic tale of which stories will be told for centuries to come. Now begins the saga of the geeks or nerds. Whatever you prefer.
Addy - did they really fly you over from Spain only to leave you in the office, or is that all for dramatic effect?
Either way, I enjoyed it. Churchill references in a Giz post? Oh how far we've come...
God speed, brave warriors. God speed...
@SEARCH ENGINES: You mean, OSXmass, right? That happens in January.
@The Giz: Say hello to Pear Cables for me, k?
I'm sensing some problems in the marriage. Jesus is going on a "business trip" to Los Vegas while Addy is calling "tech support".
@rockboy04: I'm sure he wouldn't do anything to endanger his partially completed LEGO Millennium Falcon.
All she needs to do is flush a couple of key pieces and no Kessel Run for him!
Braze? More like lucky bastards :\
@Jitty:
*Brave
Did the gentleman at the door happen to call you a "Schlampe"?
Don't ask me how I know this...
I will be your overall-clad geek lover.
That was hilarious, lol. Shout out Jezzies!
I am so buying some funny overalls and a plane ticket.
@johnnyabnormal: Speaking of pear cables...I think we should start up a donations link to facilitate gold plating a douche bag to send to Mr. Adam Flake for the trophy he so richly deserves.
Wait....you guys actually have a physical office? I was under the impression that you just sat at home on you're parents basement emailing each other and masturbating to tubgirl....
@tangledweb16:
I meant "in". I don't think it's possible to be on you're parents basement.
@Red Right Hand: Ha! I'm sure it would make the douching experience sound that much better.
Say, you wouldn't happen to have an extra pass for a loyal reader who happens to live in Vegas, would you? Oh well, if not, I guess I will just have to take that job at Best Buy and learn German.
yes goodluck guys,
Hey I'm reading a true story about those guys in the pic...WW2 fighter pilots that died and the government for some reason claimed their deaths classified...yea, just an extra tidbit you might not care about as it has nothing to do about CES...xD
Hells yeah.
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