It's that time of year again, when basketball, beer and betting join forces to create the most exciting month of sports known to man. You already called in sick, filled out your brackets and took a seat at the bar, but the following Elite Eight (plus one bonus!) are things you'll definitely need to prepare for the Big Dance.
• Panasonic 150" Plasma TV: It's called March Madness for a reason. With as many as 16 games to watch each day, don't you think you should be watching them in style? Also, we figure you could probably rig this baby to show all the games at once, but you should probably stay far away so you didn't get any drool on the screen.
• Philips Prestigo Remote Control: Buzzer-beaters are the name of the game when it comes to college basketball, and you never know when that history-making play could happen. Do yourself a favor, and get one of the biggest remotes money can buy. Program the buttons to switch between games, and that way you'll never miss a shot. Too bad there isn't a SAP button to have Gus Johnson calling every play.
• Hoverit Maglev Couch: Since you will likely spend an incredible amount of time in front of the television over the next four weeks, you should definitely have a comfortable place to sit. This couch is the ultimate technology statement next best thing, hovering above its base using magnets. Though it may not have the requisite beer holder, it gets bonus points for looking like the seat we'll use when Combat Basketball becomes a real sport.
Beer Robot: Speaking of beer, that staple beverage is a crucial part of any sporting event (assuming you aren't playing), but who knows what you may miss if you step away from the couch? This beer robot comes in handy, delivering a cold one straight to you so you never have to take your eyes off of the screen.
• NCAA March Madness On Demand: For those of you who forgot to call in sick to work, we feel your pain. But fear not, because you can watch the games right from the comfort of your desk. The NCAA is streaming the action over the web, but you better get log in early; the last time we checked, we were #141,782 in line to watch.
• Basketball PC: If you are one of the unfortunate ones stuck watching the games from a PC, you might as well use this basketball PC-mod and show your coworkers where your heart is really focused. However, as enticing as it may look, please do not try to dribble the computer.
• D3O Body Armor: Who hasn't had a gambling mishap or two? What with arbitrary spreads, unexpected injuries and Cinderella stories, you can't expect to win them all. Our bookie Frankie didn't seem to get that message though, and he didn't appreciate our repeated cries to pay him next Tuesday. Well, we won't be making that mistake any more, next time we see Frankie we'll be loaded up with this D3O body armor. Suddenly those baseball bat attacks will feel just like hugs.
• Offshore Bookie: Just because we aren't dealing with Frankie doesn't mean we have lost our insatiable appetite for risky betting. Luckily there are plenty of offshore betting websites to choose from. We have never tried these ourselves of course, but we hear that there's one good one involving some guy named Bo. Thankfully, their concept of credit is a bit different than old Frankie's.
• Palm-sized Cellphone Jammer: I wish I could time-travel back with this particular device to Bloomington, Indiana, a year or so ago, and stick it in Kelvin Sampson's desk. See, I graduated from IU, and I'm pretty disappointed with the way our great season went sour. All it took was a few (thousand) text messages from Coach Sampson. If your favorite coach has an addiction to text messages, I recommend you buy one of these and put it to use.