Google Wave Is Going to Create a Horrifying Dystopian Future

The following information on Google Wave may not be 100% "real" or "accurate," but you'll agree that it makes a lot of sense and that it's probably what Google has planned. I mean, maybe. In any case, it's shocking.

Google Wave is exciting, but it's also very confusing. It's hard to understand how all of its elements work together, especially when you take into account the just-revealed elements we're ready to share with you now. It's pretty complicated, but once you understand its ins and outs, you'll agree that it has the potential to change the way we interact online.

Google Wave is made up of many separate components. Conversations within the program are called Waves. Subthreads of these conversations are called Wavelets. And individual messages are called Blips. These can all be edited and viewed real-time by anyone in your Wave group. Think of it as a living conversation that can be traced from its inception to its final form.

Google Wave Is Going to Create a Horrifying Dystopian Future

Now, Google has revealed that all of these pieces of user-entered data will be fed into Google's Beachcomber service, which sorts through, tossing organized and compiled data sets over to Blue Whale for analysis.

Blue Whale is Google's new AI engine, and it'll use Wave data to become autonomous and all-knowing. Blue Whale will eventually lead your discussions by recalling past information used in Wave groups. It will keep you honest by comparing new statements with your past statements. Think of it as an autonomous, administrator-level additional member of any group included in your Waves.

Google Wave Is Going to Create a Horrifying Dystopian Future

Blue Whale works hand-in-hand with Google's Bottomfeeder targeted advertising bot, which will serve ads based not only on the content of your Waves, Wavelets and Blips, but also the personality scores that Blue Whale automatically compiles. If you're more aggressive with your Wave postings, for example, you may be shown ads for Ultimate Fighting or roller coasters. If you're more apt to demure to authority, you may be shown spots for feminine hygiene products or CuteOverload.com.

Google Wave Is Going to Create a Horrifying Dystopian Future

Users will of course have the option to turn off Bottomfeeder's ads, but if they want to keep using Google Wave, they'll need to agree to have Stingrays installed in their homes and offices. These are Google's new audio and video surveillance cameras, which are controlled by Blue Whale. They aren't monitored by people, so Google says there are fewer privacy concerns. Stingrays recognize brands and products and how you use them, focusing in on user interaction with everything from electronics to food. This will create excellent market research, which Google will then anonymize and sell to corporations.

Of course, if ad blockers are used to prevent Bottomfeeder's ads from showing, or Stingrays are blocked or tampered with, Google reserves the right to use Great White to damage your online reputation by pulling private and humiliating information from your Wave history. It'll spread the information to your contacts based on the Swordfish algorithm, which analyzes which people will be the most offended by each particular nugget of data. Great White will continue until the ad blocker is removed and/or Stingrays are returned to proper working order.

Google Wave Is Going to Create a Horrifying Dystopian Future

If Great White fails, Google will activate its new Mako nanomachines—currently being bundled with the H1N1 flu vaccination. Once Makos are installed in your body, they'll attack the pain receptors in your joints, making movement near impossible. You'll have a hard time focusing, and sleep will be out of the question. Google is promising that Mako will increase targeted ad penetration to the coveted 95th percentile.

As you can see, with Wave, Google is really broadening the scope of what it delivers. The possibilities that it offers are really exciting, and we look forward to starting to use it in our day-to-day lives. So, in conclusion, I made this all up, so please don't sue me. Clam clam seahorse, and the crab boat narwhal.