Freed Spam King Sentenced to an Email Hell Worse than Prison

Fathers, lock up your daughters. Sysadmins, tighten your email filters. The societal menace dubbed the "Spam King" is back on the streets. A freed man, responsible for 10 trillion unwanted messages during his reign of terror. Has he reformed? Hard to say.

What's certain, however, is that Robert Soloway about to enter an existence of absolute hell—unable to risk violating his probation by sending bulk email, a dwindling lifetime of self-flagellation by way of CC-less emails awaits him. Having a dinner party? Each guest invited individually. Maybe he's looking for a new apartment—tough shit! No bombarding friends with pleas for help. Three years in prison will feel like a handjob from an angel compared to the agony of single-recipient messaging. And he deserves no less, monster that he was (is).

And yet... could he be headed for relapse? Despite the words of contrition above, recidivism seems possible: "I've never logged onto Facebook before but I hear it's nice. In terms of e-mail, Facebook has it built in."

You can almost hear his pupils dialating in delight, mouth quivering, fingers itching. Facebook. The goldmine. An Elysian Field of gullible idiots. C1@L1$, V1@GR4—it won't peddle itself. He yearns for it. He can't contain himself. The Spam King will seek his crown once more.