The Internet Was Really Shitty Today (But I Still Love It)

What the hell happened to the Internet today? Google Talk? Down. Twitter? Crashed. Messages? Completely awful. Chrome? Blowing up my laptop. The weather? Shitty. My hangover? Slight but smelly. That all made me very grumpy.

Did the entire internet decide to shit the bed on Thursday July 26th 2012? Did it think we wouldn't notice? How come we never got the memo? Well, go to hell Internet, we don't need you!

Wait no sorry. That's a lie. We need you. Badly.

It's sort of sad, really, how connected we are. Sad that it makes us so happy. I woke up in the morning like I always do, wanting to go right back to sleep. But like any self respecting kid in adult-sized clothing trying to avoid being exposed as a no-talent hack, you power on, dropping GIF bombs to your snickering co-workers and hearing stories about who humped who on hump day over Gchat. It's a morning routine as normal as sipping hot water that ran through roasted beans.

But today? Ugh. How did the internet expect us to be productive when it wasn't productive itself? That's just not fair. We were stuck ambling around our keyboards, staring at the blank left column on the Gmail page wondering what grayed out Thomas Wells from college has been up to and why he's even still on your buddy list. We almost resorted to starting email chains instead. People need their Gchat to get distracted from work because it reminds them they have work to do. It's an innocent crime, like taking one tiny puff from a joint.

And yes, stuff doesn't work. It happens all the time. But here's thing thing! When stuff breaks, Twitter is the tits. It's where we can gather to bitch, moan, throw zingers about how AIM can make a comeback. If Gchat is whispering to your neighbor and giggling, Twitter is the Colosseum—a pulsating mob looking for blood. And when Gchat was running around with its head chopped off, we at least wanted to see a kill. Make it worth it! But because the Internet took today off—turning Twitter into a non-functional shitshow—we were robbed.. Twitter wasn't just failwhaling, it went totally kaput.

And you know what's the worst thing about Twitter being down? You can't tweet about Twitter being down. Your quick-witted soapbox is gone. Where are you going to make your quips now? Facebook? Hah. Dislike. When the two best quickfire forms of communication—Gchat and Twitter—down and out, you have no one but yourself. It's just you, lonely you. So disconnected with the rest of the world that your only solace comes from digging deep into your cat video spankbank and jumping into YouTube comments to get some form of human contact, however mutated and racist and awful it may be.

God, working would have sucked without the Internet.