It’s Saturday morning. Probably. You’re disoriented, the inside of your mouth has been replaced by ass-flavored shellac, and somehow it’s 87 degrees at 10 a.m. The full weight of last night will soon come rushing back to you, and you need enough hair of the dog to qualify as taxidermy in order to steel yourself against the impending nausea.

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Oh dear god, welcome to Gizmodo’s Happy Hour. Substance abuse for nerds—and aftercare when they make terrible mistakes.

What you’re experiencing is a weapons-grade hangover. And what you need is a drink that will fulfill two goals:

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  • A) Said drink will alleviate the symptoms of praying for the swift release of death
  • B) Said drink is simple enough to be mixed in the state you’re in

What could it be?

The word you’re reaching for now is—michelada. Sure, there are some recipes that call for garnishing your cocktail with fried jalapeños and bacon, rimming the glass with all manner of seasonings, or freezing the thing into a tomato-based Otter Pop.

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No. Now is not the time for aesthetics. Now is the time for results.

What you will need:

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  • A beer. Cheap is good. Corona is ideal.
  • Tomato juice. Or Clamato if that floats your boat.
  • Worcestershire and soy sauce (check the door of your fridge, you have these)
  • Hot sauce. I like one mild hot sauce (like Cholula), and one spicier hot sauce (like Sriracha).
  • Juice of one lime
  • Black pepper

Take a big glass from the cupboard. If you’ve woken up in a stranger’s home (it happens), it’s usually the one just above or to the right of the sink. Pour your beer in there and add an equal portion of tomato juice or Clamato.

Now come the condiments, which you’ll want two teaspoons of each. But you’re probably having trouble reading text on a screen right now, let alone figuring out which measuring spoon says “tsp.” So just do this: two big shakes of soy sauce, two big shakes of Worcestershire, two big shakes of the mild hot sauce, and two big shakes of the spicer hot sauce.

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We’re getting there. I promise this will be better than aspirin or Gatorade.

Now juice the lime. Or just use the crappy bottled juice in the little squeeze bottles that look like limes. Who cares right now, this is a fight against time and nature. Grind in as much black pepper as you can stand. Top with ice. Stir. Thank me later.

Watch here as myself and Riley MacLeod from Kotaku make these simple micheladas (yes, I forgot the pepper, but but you probably will too when you’re hungover). We also play a completely made-up game involving darts and K’nex guns.

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Drink safely this weekend!