Unlike Tom from MySpace, Mark Zuckerberg is not your friend. But fuck it. Think about all the time you've spent on Facebook—for free! You should get him something nice.
But what do you get an autistic savant who slaughters and butchers his own meat, happens to be the world's youngest billionaire, and is a practicing atheist for Chaunnukristmas? Don't sweat it. At Gizmodo we've got a gift guide for everyone. Here's what you should show up with outside Zuck's front door at 1456 Edgewood Dr. in Palo Alto.
Only four types of people butcher their own meat. Butchers, farmers, poor people, and really, really goddamn rich people. And while we admire Zuck for preparing for whatever impossibly unlikely endtimes scenario is playing out in his head, we also encourage him to step up his game. Stop simply choking chickens, and make with some moo murder. This .25 caliber kill hammer will drop livestock and other game with one simple squeeze. It also works great for intimidating Sean Parker.
$1,685.00 [QC Supply]
Look, just because a guy likes to butcher his own meat, that doesn't mean he's some sort of savage. And nothing is as grisly (literally), not to mention time-consuming and tedious, as slapping away at a slab with a dull blade like some sort of desperate Okie. No sir! You should get Mark a really sharp knife. Scratch that. Knives are so common. Get him a fucking sword. This 14th century Koto Tachi Katana sword from Japan will slice through tendon and bones as quickly as Facebook cuts through your expectations of privacy. It also works great for intimidating Sean Parker.
$12,400 [Japanese Katana]
Okay, this is obvious right? But look, you're not going to buy him the book. Books are for losers, unless they're proceeded by the word "Face." You're going to buy the copyright to this book for Mark, not because he's a socially-awkward robot (although there is that) but because this book is the biggest threat to Facebook's continued success. If people follow Carnegie's tips they'll have more friends in person and fewer on the face. I mean, just look how well it worked out for Sean Parker. Everyone loves that guy.
$Negotiable [Simon & Schuster]
What, you thought he wanted a 911? To quote Steve Jobs, "that's the kind of Porsche dentists drive." Zuck needs the most expensive car money can buy if he's going to out-Musk the Valley's big rollers. I mean, Sean Parker could never afford this ride. Oh, you don't think you can afford to buy Mark this car either? Maybe you're not his real friend after all. Maybe you just need to get yourself the very last gift on our list.
$2.4 million [Bugatti]
Zuck may not need Yahoo! But then again, nobody really needs Yahoo! It's a novelty gift, to be sure. But the once high-flying Yahoo!'s declining fortunes will serve as an instructive example to young Mr. Zuckerberg, a sort of ghost of Christmas future. Besides, it's dirt cheap. Yeah, the market cap is $18 billion, but I'm pretty sure you could talk Jerry Yang and company down to some baseball cards and comic books. Hell, you might even be able to get them to throw in RIM while they're at it. Plus, running Yahoo! would give Sean Parker something to do other than drugs.
Four Babe Ruth's and an early issue of the X-Men [Yahoo!]
Port Ellen? That's swill for losers who can't afford a real whisky. Not only does this Glenfarclas Family Cask cost top dollar by the dram, but it's also incredibly hard to come by. This is the kind of whisky you celebrate a $100 billion IPO with. Or a successful Sean Parker intervention.
$540[The Whisky Vault]
Unlike whiskey or wine, most Americans actually can afford a cup of the best coffee money can buy. But before you scoff, simply knowing about it makes one a cultural elite. It says, "I not only have money and taste, I'm also au courant." It's the kind of thing a philistine like Sean Parker would never know about. Bonus: it's really fucking expensive as far as coffee does go. Esmeralda green set records at auction in 2004, 2006, 2007 and 2010. One roasted bag will set you back 100 beans—by which I mean dollars. Oh what's that? You don't think $100 is an appropriate amount to spend on 12 ounces of coffee for the world's richest 20-something? Fuck it. Buy him the whole damn farm then.
Bohemian Grove is so controversial and political now! Burning Man, on the other hand, is billionaire-safe thanks to the pioneering efforts of Eric Schmidt. Besides, Zuck will enjoy all those naked people, as he's probably never seen one before. This Sylvan Sport Go is the most versatile camper on the market. It's super light, so it will tow well behind the Bugatti. And best of all? When compacted down, it's so small you could mistake it for Sean Parker.
$8,000 [Sylvan Sport]
Yeah, sure, this may be a little high brow for the hoodie CEO. But it's not even like that. It's not about art, you silly poor person from the 99 percent. This painting isn't to display, or even keep. It's for Zuck to donate to a tax shelter, like Rude Ronnie Lauder did. Zuck is new money, so he may not be hip to this yet, but if there's one thing cooler than making money, it's keeping money. I'm paraphrasing Sean Parker there, who also doesn't know what to do with his money.
Approximately $150 million [Gustav Klimt]
Fuck you. No, seriously: fuck you, just fuck you. There's no joke here. Fuck you. You know who's laughing? Mark Zuckerberg and Sean Parker, that's who. Laughing at you. You don't buy their product, you are their product. Fuck you.
$100 billion [Facebook]
Still haven't found the right present? Don't worry, we're here all month with a new gift guide every day—right up until the last minute. To see 'em all, head on over to #GiftGuide.