Hitman Falls For His Mark and Fakes Her Death. With Ketchup. For Love

Illustration for article titled Hitman Falls For His Mark and Fakes Her Death. With Ketchup. For Love

It could only happen in the movies. Except it didn't. A Brazilian woman suspected her husband of cheating, so she hires a hitman to kill the supposed she-devil. Only the hitman falls in love the homewrecker instead. So what does he do? He fakes her murder. With LOTS of ketchup.


Seriously, this has all the trappings of a really dark romantic comedy. Carlos Roberto de Jesus and Iranildes Aguiar Araujo are starcrossed lovers, kept apart by charges of infidelity and blood money. De Jesus' client, Maria Nilza Simoes, paid for justice. £345 worth, anyway. So the only thing they could think of is fake Araujo's death. By drenching her in a condiment and having her clutch a machete under her arm like she was stabbed. Because that actually works in real life? Who knew?

Satisfied, Simoes sent her hired killer on his way, leaving the lovers free to find their future together. Which must've been like a day, because Simoes caught them making out in public pretty soon after. Simoes went to the police to have de Jesus and Araujo arrested for extortion, but she got pinched too for the whole conspiring to kill a person in cold blood thing. The trio are now out on bail and probably await the zaniest court case in Brazil's recent history.


Seriously, what's Jennifer Aniston doing? This is too good to pass up. [Daily Mail via Geekosystem]

You can keep up with Kwame Opam, the author of this post, on Twitter, Facebook, and occasionally Google+.

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Lady A: Officer I would like to report that a couple is extorting money from me.

Officer: Oh really how so.

Lady A: Well see I hired a hitman to kill a woman that was having sex with my husband. The hitman sent me a picture of what I thought was her dead body, but then later I saw them making out and I knew that they had tricked me.

Officer: So let me make sure I understand this right your husband was cheating on you so you hired a hitman to kill the woman. The hitman decided to date the target and now you want us to arrest him?

Lady A; Yes please.

Officer: Would you please be so kind as to write all this down and sign it for me?

Lady A; Oh sure.........Ok here you go.

Officer: Thx now I am placing you under arrest for hiring a hitman to kill someone.


Officer: You are aware that it is illegal to hire a hitman to kill some yes?

Lady A: Oh riiiiiight; I forgot about that part.

Officer: Why can't they all be this easy.