A lot of good and decent people like seltzer water. My friends like seltzer water, people I love dearly enjoy gulping down the fizzy drink that is sometimes flavored. I am here to deliver a devastating truth. Seltzer water is very bad. In fact, I would go as far as to say that seltzer water sucks, and does not deserve the praise bestowed upon the bad drink by many a millennial.
I want to be unequivocal here: Seltzer water comes in many forms, and all of those forms are uniformly and uniquely bad. Perrier? What am I, a Formula 1 driver? San Pellegrino? Repulsive. La Croix? Get that shit out of my face you filthy yuppie.
If you are someone who takes pleasure cracking open a cold La Croix, stop yourself and ask: am I really enjoying this? Does this really taste good? I’m writing this blog to try and help you. It doesn’t taste good, and you don’t have to drink it.
Here is the story of my experience with the Bad Drink. At my former employer, we were receiving an order of groceries to stock the office fridge. Among this order was a case of La Croix. When the news of the addition of the expensive water spread through the office, you could feel the buzz. People were excited. It felt as if everyone had just learned they were receiving a raise. It was fucking La Croix day, baby, and people were ready to slurp down some of this supposedly yummy drink.
Of course, I didn’t want to feel left out, so I engaged in the seemingly ritualistic experience of sipping the Reportedly Good Drink. “Wow,” I remember thinking, “This is bad.” Why is the water bitter? Why is the flavoring so weak? This shit sucks, and I don’t want to drink it.
I took another sip of the Devil’s Drink.
Yup, this is still bad. At that point, I placed the liquid filth on my desk and turned back to my laptop. My colleagues did not feel the same way, and rejoiced that they finally had some modified water to enjoy in the workplace.
Here’s something I think deep down but am revealing for the first time in this blog. Brace yourself, because it is an idea so crazy that it may just shatter everything we know about the world.
Everyone who drinks seltzer water knows it is bad, but drinks it anyway, for one reason or another. Think about it.
My editor told me to add something about how it makes people have gas and how she likes to drink it after having a glass of wine on Monday or something. As she was talking I was typing what she was saying then she stopped and asked “are you quoting me?” The end.