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Netflix's Sabrina Wants You Thirsting for Moist Witch Meat

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For the witches of Netflix’s Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when they all get together to partake in what can only be described as an orgiastic, cannibalistic feast that’s as carnal as it as horrifying to witness. Because they’re Satan-worshipping, sexually-fluid heathens, the entire ordeal is kind of...let’s say...“erotic.”

Keeping in line with the Riverdale team’s love of sexualizing food to tantalize fans, Netflix has just dropped a distressingly lewd featurette starring Nick Scratch (Gavin Leatherwood) getting up close and personal with what, at first glance, appears to be a turkey. “How does a witch prepare their Thanksgiving turkey?” I often find myself asking. One imagines a witch would simply use magic, but for Netflix, that’s just too mundane a method. No, no, if you really want that turkey to be flavorful and moist, you’ve got to really get up in that bird with a baster in a way that makes everyone very uncomfortable.

The wild thing is that witches don’t even mess with turkeys like that. The main course for the witches’ Feast of Feasts is one of their own, chosen at random to be sacrificed and eaten by the rest of their coven in a bloody frenzy that involves zero cooking. But hey, times are changing. Witches are trying new things and perhaps this whole “smolder at your food until it’s good and ready to be eaten” thing is worth trying out.


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