You're not with him/her anymore. The lovely days, over—and so are the days of lovely, considerate gifts. But what if you still want a holiday gesture for your ex? Might as well have it make them feel bad.
1. Apple Earbuds
Headphones! Such a nice gift—everyone needs them, and we're always losing them. So how about the worst, legendarily shoddy pair for that person you don't care about anymore? It's only a gift in the strictest technical sense! I hate your ears, baby. $30 [Apple]
2. Elsse 4.3-Inch Internet Touchscreen Tablet
An Android "tablet" this shockingly piss poor is a reverse gift; tablet sounds great, but this thing is a flat plane of feces. It's only 4.3 inches! That is so small and stupid. Your ex will hate using this, but complaining about a tablet is bratty. Perfect. $100 [Amazon]
3. Sony HMZ-T1
Yes, this is a very expensive gift, but consider the implications: at $800, you're not only telling your ex that you're doing well enough to afford this supertoy, you're telling them that they're alone enough to need a TV that you wear on your head. Table for one, please. $800 [Sony]
4. He's Just Not That Into You Blu-ray
An entire movie about being sad and rejected. Your ex can fire up that HMZ-T1 and think about how miserable he/she is and maybe drunk dial you. Meanwhile, you're watching Casino Royale on Blu-ray with your new S.O. and feeling great! $20 [Amazon]
5. Garmin Forerunner 910XT
Wait, why did they give me this workout-oriented watch? Am I... does he think... have I..? Why hasn't anyone told me? I go to the gym sometimes... is it not enough? I was in such good shape with him/her... what happened? Were they keeping me looking beautiful? What am I now? What happened? Oh god I need to go for a jog. $450[Garmin]
6. Photo Makeover App
Continue the body image assault with this cheap, mediocrely-reviewed iOS app, which will allow your ex to toy with their appearance in a desperate attempt to look as good as you remember. My eyes! Oh god my eye aren't wide enough! What happened! $0.99 [iTunes]
7. eHarmony Membership
eHarmony isn't our favorite dating site, nor is it a particularly good one—but the fact that you have to pay for it will compel your ex to use it. Just think of it as doing them a favor. A really insulting favor in which you suggest that they might have sex with someone they met on the internet in the near future. $60/month or $240/year [eHarmony]
8. Grouper Date
You see, this is not a gift, but an act of social sabotage, because Grouper is a scammy creep-o site in which your ex will go on a date so awkward and ill-conceived, they'll think it's a reality tv show. In a way it is—inside your imagination, pushing you to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. $20 [Grouper]
9. Avatar Fleshlight
Yeah, there's not really much to explain here, other than "Hey loser, have sex with this bizarre sex toy inspired by a terrible movie." $63 [Fleshlight]
10. Shitty Digital Picture Frame of Cherished, Ruined Moments Together
Just think—spend $35 on a creepy gift that'll remind your ex of how great it was to be together, and also how nice it is not to be with someone unstable enough to give their ex a digital picture frame loaded with pictures of you. Dénouement. $35 [Amazon]