Screenshot from the InfoWars homepage this morning, featuring a story claiming that former First Lady Michelle Obama might be a man (Screenshot)

Word on the street is that new White House Chief of Staff, John Kelly, has forbidden aides from bringing President Trump any news stories from InfoWars, the conspiracy theory website founded by Alex Jones. InfoWars, the only news site that tells the truth about child slaves who are currently on Mars (seriously), is an absolutely vital news site that everyone should read. So what is John Kelly afraid of?

The original report on Kelly’s fake news crackdown comes from Politico, which doesn’t mention InfoWars by name. But other outlets like the website Axios have claimed that the ban includes both InfoWars and GotNews, the website run by far right blogger Chuck Johnson.

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“We in the alternative media won the election for Trump,” Johnson told the Washington Examiner in an interview yesterday. “We will survive a failed general who was weak on borders.”

Since there’s currently no ban on reading Gizmodo at the White House, we’ve rounded up this week’s most important headlines so that the president doesn’t fall behind. You’re welcome, America.

“Is this final proof that Michelle Obama is a man?”

Alex Jones has an obsession with a strange conspiracy theory that Michelle Obama is secretly a man. Or, in his words, that she’s “a tranny.”

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Jones says he’s just asking questions. And now it’s a question that President Trump isn’t allowed to hear. Thanks John Kelly.

“Now, I’m not saying that Michelle Obama is a tranny,” Jones says after saying exactly that in the form of a question. “And I don’t hate trannies, I’m a libertarian, but we have famous photos of her where it appears she has a large bulge in her pants.”

“And so you ask yourself, there’s this media obsession with trannies, and Michelle keeps in public photos and videos to appear to have a very large penis in her pants,” Jones says. “Her shoulders are wide, her face is very very masculine, she looks like a tranny, and so you ask yourself, are the children a beard for Obama?”

How on Earth will the republic survive if the president doesn’t hear this completely logical and not at all hateful theory about “trannies”?

Travel advisories and reparations for white people because of “black-on-white crime”

In a video from August 21st, Alex Jones floated the idea that not only should there be “travel advisories” for white people in the US, but that white people should get reparations for getting “killed by the tens of thousands” by black people every year.

So that’s why I’ve issued a travel advisory for the United States for white folks going to places like Denver, Detroit. Places like Chicago, places like Seattle, because I’ve been to these towns and I’ve experienced it.

[...]

There needs to be reparations for white people the last 20, 30 years, getting attacked and killed by the tens of thousands every year. Seriously, if you want to play this whole game, and I’m not actually asking for that. There needs to be real travel advisories. They used to have in the 60s some places like Selma, Alabama, The New York Times would put travel advisories out for black folks. Well, you know what? They needed a travel advisory. That’s true.

But we need real travel advisories now, that white folks need to understand that there is the promotion and the pushing of you being mugged, you being killed by the New Black Panther Party and everybody else. They’re saying, “Go out and kill a white person. Go out and mug a white person. Go out and commit crime in their neighborhoods, because they deserve it.”

You have to watch the video to believe it. Again, it’s hard to imagine why John Kelly would keep this vital and completely true news from President Trump’s ears.

“Respected economist: Eclipse signals collapse/Major time of change”

You know that the story is going to be true when Alex Jones interjects and says “by the way, you’re not into mumbo jumbo.” That’s exactly what Jones did recently in a video from August 22, 2017, as InfoWars laid out the case that the solar eclipse was a harbinger of major economic or social collapse.

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Jones says that there was an eclipse on the day that Jesus Christ was crucified. And he even says that something catastrophic might happen soon because of the eclipse. From this weekend’s hurricane in Texas to the debt ceiling crisis to Trump’s unhinged speeches, it seems plausible that something catastrophic might happen. But none of it has anything to do with the recent eclipse.

The Clintons gave North Korea nuclear weapons and the elites hoarded knowledge from the Library of Alexandria

On Sunday, Alex Jones went on a particularly sprawling rant in his hotel room in Seattle that touched on so many topics it’s actually hard to summarize them. But needless to say, they all sound perfectly normal and are things that President Trump should pay attention to if he wants to hear the truth.

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From Planet X to North Korea and an apparent false flag attack on the Library of Alexandria, Jones has a lot of theories about the world:

I’m not saying Planet X is coming to kill us. I’m not saying that the Earth’s going to end tomorrow. I’m not saying it’s a harbinger of war. The Clintons giving nuclear weapons to North Korea is the harbinger of war. But that said, the elites are obsessed with things like this as symbols.

[...]

Something’s going on! But, again, the globalists know many of these secrets. They don’t want the public to get them. A lot of stuff in the Alexandria Library didn’t burn down; they were hoarded by the elites because knowledge is power. You don’t just give that to the average people.

How dare John Kelly not let President Trump learn the truth about Planet X.

Thanks for Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Yesterday, Alex Jones had Joe Arpaio on his show to talk about the prospect of President Trump pardoning the former Sheriff. Arpaio thanked Jones for bringing his trial to Trump’s attention. And there’s probably some truth to the pipeline of information there.

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“It’s Dr. Corsi writing the articles, and it’s Matt Drudge picked him up, and the president saw it in Matt Drudge’s Twitter feed, and then said, ‘Is this true? I haven’t even heard of this on Fox.’ And he called [Sean] Hannity up, and said, ‘Why aren’t you covering this?’” Jones claimed on his show.

As Media Matters for America points out, the reporter that Jones is talking about, Corsi, wrote a book called Where’s the Birth Certificate? So he’s really the perfect newsman for the age of Trump, the person who spent years questioning whether Barack Obama was born in the United States.

Arpaio ignored a court order to stop racial profiling and was found guilty. He’s scheduled to be sentenced in October. But Trump has signaled that he’s going to pardon the disgraced sheriff anyway.

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So there you have it. And this rundown isn’t even a sliver of the insanity that Jones spews out every week.

It’s puzzling why John Kelly would want to keep this kind of information from the president, but I’m sure he has his reasons. Like the fact that perhaps he’d like to see American policy dictated by rational facts and not the ravings of cynical lunatics just looking to sell overpriced vitamins.