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Tech Companies Are Getting Merger Crazy

Illustration for article titled Tech Companies Are Getting Merger Crazy

HP buying Palm made some waves, but it's got nothing on the other big tech deals we've spotted on the horizon:

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Nintendo Buys Fender: Nintendo removes five of the six guitar strings to make instruments easier to "just pick up and play."

Google Buys National Security Agency: Google Wire Tap leads to an increase in subpoenas of Yahoo Mail users and uncomfortably specific targeted advertising.

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Wikipedia Buys Snapple: "Snapple Cap Facts" become much less factually accurate.

Sony Buys MLB's American League: Sony cancels interleague play and the World Series, citing its proprietary "Designated Hitter" format's incompatibility with the National League.

Facebook Buys Twitter: Nothing changes at the companies, but the internet temporarily crashes two weeks later when a Justin Bieber/Oprah Winfrey sex tape rumor gets shared over 400 million times in ninety seconds.

Amazon Buys Metropolitan Museum of Art: All exhibits are eventually replaced with black and white photography to "reduce eye strain."

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AOL Buys ABC: Programming schedule immediately reverts back to 1992 TGIF reruns.

Microsoft Buys Anheuser Busch: Bud Light is reformulated every three years to taste a little more like Miller Lite. Meanwhile, rumors swirl about a revolutionary pilsner, but the project is shut down at the height of anticipation.

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Apple Buys Adobe: Apple immediately fires everyone and burns down Adobe headquarters. Steve Jobs is found days later, pissing on the ashes.

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DISCUSSION

Ok, I'm probably the only person in the world who doesn't know this, but...

Who the FUCK is Justin Bieber?