Beowulf, the CGI 3D monstrosity that hits theaters Friday, was originally an alliterative Old English poem. Instead of composing a review of this cinematic epic, I’ll just go Old English on your ass and alliterate. Below the fold are your spoilers, in verse.
Sea monsters mangled from inside their eggy eyeballs by sword-swinging soldiers are absolutely awesome.
Angelina Jolie is nasty and naked, but her nether regions are non-existent.
Let us contemplate the conical comeliness of D-cups in 3D.
Grendel grabs a guy, bites his skull, then burps brain. Bitchen!
Beowulf bounces across a wooden beam, buck naked, to grab Grendel’s gooey globs. Borat at the insurance broker’s ball?
This flick is full of pointy things pricking at crotches, cracks, and cups.
Dude! A dragon-man! Dude!
3D kinda sucks. And it can’t alliterate with anything either.
