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Screenshot: Gizmodo
Screenshot: Gizmodo

Okay woo ha ha we’re on the kitchen floor surrounded by eggshells, glass shards, and chocolate-laced dog treats. Doing great! Equipped to face the world! So long as we steer clear of the most dangerous animal: Libras.

Also: Leos, Aries, Scorpios, Aquarians, Capricorns, Cancers, Virgos, Tauruses, Geminis, Sagittarius, and Pisces.

It was you. And me. Thanks for coming on this journey, constipated maniacs. I’ve never felt so alive.

As always, consult a medical professional.