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The White House Continues Its Tradition of Turning Christmas Into a Horror Film

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Something old, something new, something borrowed, something filled with the coagulating blood of one’s enemies. The Trump household apparently wasn’t content turning the White House into a dark alternate dimension where all hope dies for just one year—this house of horrors has now become an annual holiday tradition.

The White House has shared an official look at First Lady Melania Trump’s latest holiday decor at the White House. Last year, Mrs. “Be Best” turned the hallways of the presidential residence into a living nightmare straight out of Get Out or Voldemort’s bathroom. Shadowy branches crept over the walls, reaching forth to suck out the souls of anyone who dared trespass the darkened walkway. This year, she’s changing it up a bit with some good old-fashioned blood cones.


Yes, I know the trees are made of holly. Yes, I know holly is pretty and festive and all that fun stuff. But seriously...look at this.


We’re in the maws of a darkened cavern where thousands of innocent souls have been swallowed whole, their innards slowly dripping down over millions of years to form red, bloody stalagmites. Can you imagine walking down that hallway and not instantly feeling like those cones of death are filled with the dozens of people who’ve quit or been fired from the White House in the past two years alone? That hallway isn’t a festive treat. It’s a graveyard.

But hey, if the White House can make this an annual tradition, so can I. Let’s conjure up some all-new festival comparisons for this new year of horror:

  • That Tom Cruise War of the Worlds movie after the aliens liquified all the people into bloody planet fertilizer.
  • What happens to anyone who spies on secret rituals in Suspiria.
  • Come play with us, Melania. Forever and ever and ever and...”
  • The creepiest cavern in The Descent.
  • A shrine to all the Handmaids Trump had executed for not fulfilling their procreational duty.
  • That wave of blood from The Shining.
  • If Richard Dreyfuss had made his Close Encounters mesa out of something far ickier than mashed potatoes.
  • The world’s most-terrifying game of Cones of Dunshire.
  • Again, basically any episode of American Horror Story.

And a special bonus for all the bloody boil balls gracing every other room in the White House this holiday season. Can’t look at them without seeing Tim Curry’s Pennywise asking if I want a balloon.

Update: Our social media editor went the extra mile for us:


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